I've been taken to task for not keeping in touch. I don't have a telephone number to call you at, but I should keep in touch. My emails go unanswered, but I should keep in touch. You deactivated your Facebook page, your Twitter page, and I don't have a Google Plus, but I should keep in touch.
I would like to point out that my telephone number has not changed in almost TEN years. I have had the same msn email address for nine years. I have the same yahoo and gmail email addresses I've had for our entire friendship. I still have the same MySpace account, same Facebook account, and TWO Twitter accounts that you can contact me on. If making a Google Plus page specifically to talk to you is what I have to do, I'll do it. I just want to say. Communication is open and reciprocal. You could have contacted me to keep in touch.........but I'm not going to take you to task for it.
I'm just saying.....
State of the Union: Eh
Listening to: The Violet Hour by Sea Wolf
I was reading this bucket list of things that life is too short for. It made me reevaluate my position on a lot of issues and really take a hard look at some of the behavior patterns I have manifesting in my life. With any hope, I'll be able to make some positive changes in my life and achieve self-actualization or, at a minimum, a few less frown lines from discontentment.
Life’s too short to:
1)Stay in a job you don’t like
(So I quit mine and my blood pressure dropped significantly).
2)Play it safe
(I take risks. They don't always pay off, but the ride is always makes a good story).
3)Worry about what other people think
(I really need to work on this, but it's hard to deprogram yourself after so many years of being asked "what will people think?")
4)Stay put and not travel
(Anyone that knows me knows I ALWAYS carry my passport with me at all times)
5)Maintain your prejudices
(We all have them. I'm not going to highlight mine, but trust me, they are there, I am ashamed of them, and I'm working on it).
6)Be mediocre.
(This is my one fear. Who wants to be average?)
7)Give up on following your dreams
(I follow the dream or wish until it happens or dies. I refuse to not try. I think the soul shrivels up and dies when it has nothing left to hope for).
8)Not spend it with family and friends you love
(Never, ever again will I allow myself to become alienated from those that care and want the best for me).
9)Bear a grudge
(Uh...Imma need to work REAL hard on this one. I'm Greek and a Jew. Bearing a grudge comes as naturally as breathing).
10)Be petty
(I either blow it off or blow it WAY out of proportion).
11)Read about things but never do them
(I think half of my travels came because I read about the place in some book or magazine. I have my bucket list. It WILL get completed).
12)Be mean
(I need to work on this as well. Mean doesn't describe the levels of vicious nastiness that I can sink too when I'm hurt beyond reason).
13)Go on fad diets
(Eh, I was never on fad diets. I just used to starve myself. Then I binged and purged. Then I stopped purging and just binged. Now, I'm trying this moderation thing).
14)Be indirect
(My problem is being TOO direct).
15)Wear boring clothes
(Don't have this problem at all. I think I need to start wearing more adventuresome things to sleep in, though...hehehe).
16)Eat junk food
(This is a necessary evil after breakups or nights of heavy drinking, but I've cut a LOT of it out).
17)Hang on to clutter
(One of the hardest things for me is to give up my possessions. I'm letting go of things [and people] taking up too much space in my life).
18) Not speak your mind
(I have the opposite problem. I'm trying to practice tact and restraint. It's really hard because some people do some shit that is so stupid that you can't help BUT speak up).
19)Follow the herd
(For good or for bad, I AM my father's daughter and we don't follow trends; we make them).
20)Try to impress people
(I've gotten kinda blasé about being bothered to do this. No matter what I do or say, you're either going to like me or hate me, so I just do me).
21)Be grumpy
(Only happens in the morning and that's because I am NOT a morning person. Carmel Frappuchinos from Starbucks is taking care of that).
22)Be insincere
(Everything I am thinking or feeling goes across my face, so I've had to cut that out).
23)Take life too seriously
(Having cancer changed my perspective on this. I take life VERY seriously. It's the most precious gift you have. Honor it, revere it, live it to its fullest).
24) Hold on to your fear
(The past five years have been about letting go of everything I've been afraid of and rushing towards conquering it instead of holding back. I hope I keep it up).
25) Be stuck in the past
(This is the hardest thing for me to do. I need to leave the past in the past and move forward, boldly, towards the new things waiting ahead)
26) Daydream away
(Daydreams are desires manifesting in your conscious mind. I need to cut down on the amount of them that take over my day and get a little more focused, but I wouldn't want to cut them out completely).
27) Delay doing what’s important to you
(Write a book, go to grad school, travel the world, get married, have babies. Whatever you want to do, do it now because tomorrow is not promised to you).
28)Spend in front of the computer or TV
(I've cut down on this EXPONENTIALLY. It helps that these bastard television stations are canceling my shows. I just try not to replace them with new ones).
29) Be miserable
(A-fucking-men. I just spent the entire summer not realizing that I was paralyzed by fear and doubt and misery. If it's not what you want, leave it behind and go get something/someone else)
30) Wish away by living in the future
(Life needs to be lived right now in the here and now. It's nice to have dreams, goals, and ambition, but if you spend so much time focused on the future, you miss all the things that make life sweet in the present).
31) Hang on to self-destructive behavior
( I am the QUEEN of self-destruct. You know this. I know this. The hardest thing for me is learning not to let other people's actions propel mine to the point that I obliterate myself and everyone around me as I strike out in anger).
32) Not ask for help when you need it
(The hardest thing about drowning in life is asking for that lifeline to pull you out. It happened to me and I didn't even realize it was happening until I had some good friends that told me to get out of the water).
33) Compromise your values
(I've compromised one too many times. The only person that gets hurt when you give up your morals, values, and beliefs, is you. The only person that truly has to look at you is you and how can you look yourself in the eye if you can't respect yourself?).
34) Live with regrets
(I've made multiple mistakes in the past and I've learned to embrace that expression "Je ne regrette rien [French for I regret nothing] because every action, positive or negative, helps to shape who you are and you wouldn't be you without the experiences that define and shape you).
State of the Union: Surprisingly Chipper
Listening to: She's Gonna Make it by Garth Brooks
There's a difference between me and you. You can't ever, ever, get a second chance again. And I didn't even know until this very second that I want one. See, I've been trying to destroy myself because I figured, if he was worth dying for, my life must mean nothing without him. And it does mean something. It does. I have *me* to live for. I have a second chance. I'm gonna take it.
I was wrong. I gave him too much. I gave him more than I was supposed to. I gave up my dreams and my hopes and everything that I loved. I gave up myself to be with him. And I lost him anyway. I'm not okay. But I'm gonna be. I'm gonna be okay someday. And I'm not going to miss Sonny forever. He left me with my life and I'm not gonna waste it. I'm going to find new dream and new hopes and new loves.
I'm going to make a promise to you right now: that I'll never, ever give up those things again.
State of the Union: Optimistic
Listening to: Dangerously in Love by Beyonce
I've spent a lot of time this summer doing self reflection about the men I've loved and how they have shaped the person that I am today. I've gone over every relationship I've ever been in. It was a painful process. It required the reading of a lot of journal entries. It would be okay if it was *just* reading, but it can never be *that* simple with me. I read them, but it was like I was reliving every moment. Imagine reliving seventeen years of angst, love, tears, heartbreak, and betrayal in one fricking summer. The fact that I'm still standing should reaffirm your faith in a Higher Power. It was painful, but necessary. Sometimes, you have to go back to the beginning to figure out where the mistakes occurred so that you'll know how to correct them and avoid making them again in the future.
The short bus explanation of my story is this: I am a fucking sucker. I am the proverbial Fool For Love that I used to blog about all the time and put on blast. The difference between me and these idiot is that I *know* that I acted like a fool. I'm not stumbling on, blind to my faults and foibles like these other boneheads are.
I can now acknowledge that I have unrealistic expectations of love and relationships. I blame soap operas. I've watched love flourish and die time and time again in such shocking displays of selfishness and selflessness that it had directly impacted my thinking. It took me a long time to realize this, but love shouldn't be that way. It shouldn't be so grandiose and so over-the-top that it takes on some theatrical element. It shouldn't be so heavy, so depressing, so in-your-face with despair that it drags your soul down to the depths of Hades and then tap dances on top of it as it pisses on your hopes and dreams.
I spent my summer reading scraps of papers and bound journals that I wrote my life in before I switched to saving these things electronically. It made me smile that I could see in my handwriting when I was excited or ecstatic about the person that I loved and the feelings that he elicited. It broke my heart to see the pages that were rippled from tears shed when the dream or wish that propelled me died. I've learned so much about me. The thing that was most prevalent is that every single man that I've ever dated has possessed at least three horribly awful attributes that my father has. Every. Single. One. Some had more, which just really mind-fucked me in ways you will never understand. There's an adage that says that you will marry someone like your father. If that's true, I'm staying single forever because that is some SERIOUS fuckery right there.
It's sad, daunting, and overwhelming the things from childhood that we keep. I learned that your house should be clean at all times. I learned that women should cook and bake. I learned that women should know how to do crafts. Women should know how to balance a checkbook, know someone that knows someone that can fix anything that needs repair, should be able to carry herself with excellent deportment in public, always be perfectly groomed and presentable, and should always keep a cool head in tense situations and have at least 3 contingency plans for when things went awry. The sad part? My father instilled these values of what a woman should know in me.
I learned from my father how to tell when someone is lying. I learned from my father how to tell when someone is cheating. I learned how to catch someone cheating, and how to catch them in a lie and not let on that you know they're lying. I learned by watching how he lived his life. I learned watching how he treated my mother. I learned to keep my intelligence hidden because it makes some men feel inferior and inept. I learned to never tell what I'm thinking and, if pressed, to edit what I'm thinking to cause the least amount of harm, damage, or suspicion. These lessons I learned from my father.
My father programmed me. He taught me by example. He warped and twisted my thinking. He taught me every self deprecating trait I have and he taught me every dysfunctional behavior and attitude I have ever had on the subject of love. He taught me that love hurts and, if it doesn't, it's not real. He taught me how to compartmentalize my life. I can hate someone and love them at the same time. I just store the hate in the far depths of my mind and focus on the love. That's how I can still love him, despite the horrible things he's done and continues to do. He taught me how to deal with a habitual liar. He taught me how to put up with a cheater. I've been abused mentally and emotionally in every relationship that I've ever been in and it's because those are the relationships that I specifically seek out. I only know how to love and take care of difficult and selfish men. I only know how to be with men that take and take until they bleed you dry and move on. I only know how to love until it hurts me physically and I end up traumatized emotionally and crippled mentally. That's all I know. Because that's what my father taught me.
State of the Union: Reflective
Listening to: You Know I'm No Good by Amy Winehouse
I try really hard to be a good person but some people deserve no fucking mercy. I decided that, because you're a hateful person, I'm going to be just as hateful. Just as merciless. I'm gonna get Greek. I'm going to set your life on fire and cause pain tenfold what you've caused me and I'm going to do it with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. I'm gonna forget that my momma raised me to be a Christian and remember that my father raised my Jewish and we repay. Wait for me. Watch for me. Watch what I do next. I have nothing left to lose and everything to gain.
Days like today, I feel very "Vengeance is Mine" and less "God is love." This is one of those days where I just wish you would get Edmund Burke'd....
I just wish that the Lord would take this pain away that's in my heart right now. I wish He would anesthetize my heart so I can't feel anything. I want to feel dead inside because that is surely preferable to this pain that's threatening to engulf me.
Life is a cruel thing. And fickle. Let's not forget fickle. It makes you want the sun, the moon, and the stars and then withholds them, barely, just barely out of reach and you're left to wonder what might have been if you'd been allowed. It's like taking me to the top of the mountain and showing me the world, and then marching me back down, and saying, "That's what you can't have."
I was asked, knowing what I know now and how much it would hurt me, would I do it again. I don't know for sure, but I'd like to think I would.
What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind...
State of the Union: Adrift
Listening to: My heart breaking
Know what a Mother Earth Gut Punch is? When you're watching a tv show and the person is going through the exact same thing you went through, is speaking directly from YOUR heart, and the resulting action mimics almost EXACTLY what happened to you.
How long? How long have you been making a fool out of me? God, you must think I am such an idiot. I'm standing here and I'm defending us, defending you. Because I've always defended you. That's all I ever do. Cause I'm convinced that nothing can touch us because we're unique. We're special. God, what a joke. What a joke you've made out of us. What a joke you've made out of me.
State of the Union: Betrayed
Listening to: My beating heart
Tomorrow is a very important day. And I'm terrified. Tomorrow I get to find out if I can start living like a normal person again. I haven't been sleeping well. I've been snapping and difficult and argumentative. Anything to not feel this terror that's going on. I don't have any outrageous plans made. No ticker tape parades. No extravagant parties. I don't dare to hope. I'm just gonna go to the oncologist tomorrow with no expectations one way or the other. All I have is hope. Hope that someday, I'll get to look like this again....
State of the Union: Scared, hopeful, nervous
Listening to: Dreams by the Cranberries
No one has gone through more ups and downs than Kris and I have. It's been a year. Exactly one year today since he asked me to be his girlfriend. Well, technically, he never *asked* me. I got a "confirm your status" notification message on Facebook stating that Kris was requesting to list me as his girlfriend. Our relationship has been unorthodox since we started dating. I mean, seriously, he was living in Seattle and I was living in Austin and we'd been dating for two months before we actually went on our first date. I christened us Ken and Barbie.
We had to fight a LOT of obstacles to be together, but we decided that it was worth it because we were in love.
Our first holiday together was Labor Day in Seattle. He met me with roses at the airport and took me to Umi Sake House for a night of romance before his parents flew in the next day. I got to bond with him and his parents and that time is one of my most favorite (and not because he gave me his Columbia hat, either).
For our birthday in October, we planned a special trip. We went to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico which anyone who considers me to be a close friend knows is my FAVORITE PLACE ON THE ENTIRE PLANET!!!!!!
Kris and I broke up a week after that due to some situations that I still haven't blogged about yet ( I know, I know, I'm horrible), but he still showed up for my belly dance show in November.
We went through a really rough patch and everything seemed really bleak. Then, to make matters worse, that's when my Nana passed. I was heartbroken and devastated after the funeral and I flew to Seattle. He took my mind off of things and kept me from completely falling apart.
Kris came home to Austin for Christmas and New Years and helped me celebrate Christmukkah. No, I was not his gift, but he made himself right at home.....
Some SERIOUS drama went down over New Years and I was completely devastated.My heart was wounded and some good friends talked me out of self-destructing the way you know I do when I'm hurt. In January, I flew to Seattle to see him and to decide if I was willing to try and work things out with him or just walk away. That weekend was surreal and I got my feelings hurt at the end and I seriously considered cutting him out of my life completely and never speaking to him again. I sat in the airport and I asked the Lord for a sign and a little girl walked by singing the Alicia Keys song that always reminds me of us. My chest started to hurt and my eyes started to water and I had a change of heart and decided to try and salvage our relationship.
I flew back to Seattle in February and met Kris' work friends. They were all very nice and said that we made the perfect couple. Kris' friend, Ahmad, said that we just fit.
I didn't go visit him in March because I knew he was coming home for good. It touched my heart in ways you will never understand that he told me first that the job he had been interviewing for and had been updating me on throughout the entire process had come through. He called me the minute the confirmation letter came, before anyone else, to tell me that he'd gotten it. I sat through an hour of stop and go traffic to be at the airport waiting for him as his plane touched down. The smile on his face as he came down that escalator was worth almost getting plowed over by a semi turning from the wrong lane.
Because of some crazy drama that had happened before (Social Networking Media is the death of 3 out of 5 relationships), I didn't get to meet his kids as planned in November. Well, when he came home, I met them. We went bowling. I was a good sport. Y'all know I suck at bowling, right?
Kris had a crazy custody battle raging with the mother of his sons. I was there to support him every step of the way. It took a lot of doing, a buttload of money, and me praying like crazy, but he got his visitation rights set in stone and made sure that he wouldn't be denied access to his kids. It was a happy time for us when it was finally resolved.
Kris and I went to the birthday party for one of my besties. I'm glad to say that we worked really hard and were able to start over. I got my boyfriend back. I know it's gonna take a lot of work, but I'm going to make this successful. I tried to picture my life without him in it and just couldn't see it. We're Bonnie and Clyde. Barbie and Ken. We're DeeDee Dynamite and Black Dynamite. We just go.
State of the Union: Reflective
Listening to: I'll Give All My Love to You by Keith Sweat
1.What was the last thing you ate? Chicken quesadilla
2.Where was your FB profile picture taken? My friend's birthday party
3.Can you play Guitar Hero? Um....no
4.Name someone who made you laugh today. Danny
5.How late did you stay up last night and why? 11:00 or so watching the Dallas Mavericks put the whoop on the OKC Thunder
6.If you could move somewhere else, would you? Yes!
7. Ever been kissed under fireworks? I MAKE fireworks when boys kiss me, but yes, I've been kissed under fireworks
8. Which of your friends lives closest to you? Robert probably or Julie
9. Do you believe exes can be friends? NOPE.....HELL NO
10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper? I used to think it was my blood type.
11. When was the last time you cried really hard? Last week
12. Who took your FB profile picture? Yours truly
13. Who was the last person you took a picture of? Kris' kids
14. Was yesterday better than today? No
15. Can you live a day without TV? Yes, but only because of Hulu
16. Are you upset about anything? No, I move on quickly
17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? When they're going great, yes. When you have problems? Yes When they're smashed to smithereens? Eh...they'll teach you a life lesson eventually.
18. Are you a bad influence? Sometimes (Carpe Diem! Eat that cheesecake; buy those shoes)
19. Night out or night in? Depends on if I'm in love. If I am, night in all the way. If I'm not, where my girls at? We're going out.
20. What items could you not go without during the day? Money, Cell phone and Ipod
21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? My nana before she passed. I haven't been able to set foot in one since then.
22. What does the last text message in your inbox say? You deserve the world. If he can't give it to you, I can think of five dudes off the top of my head that are ready and willing to try.
23. How do you feel about your life right now? Convoluted and complicated, but still happy.
24. Do you hate anyone? Hate is a strong word, but there are several people that I actively dislike right now.
25. If we were to look in your FB inbox, what would we find? A whole lot of drama
26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? Yup. Crack is whack.
27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before? All the time.
28. What song is stuck in your head? Rolling in the Deep by Adele.
29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be? The Publisher's Clearing House people
30.Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50? Hell no.
31. Name something you have to do tomorrow. Go to my momma's
32. Do you think too much or too little? Entirely too much. How do you think I wind up in hot water so much???
33. Do you smile a lot? Yes
34. How many hours a day do you spend on the computer? Um...I plead the 5th
35. If you could be anyone else for a day, who would you be? Kim Kardashian
36. Facebook or Twitter? FB
37. Chicken or Beef? CHICKEN
38. Mac or PC? MAC all the way
39. Have you ever punched anyone in the face? Not in a very, very long time
40. Have you ever been punched in the face? Heck no. No one is dumb enough to mess with me
41. When was the last time you had bad sex? I plead the 5th. I might have to reveal that I'm not a virgin...
42. Have you faked it? Yup. I have two Academy Awards over there to prove it....
State of the Union: Bored (where the heck is the lawn man????)
Listening to: If You Seek Amy by Britney Spears
That's how I feel right about now. 2010 brought me great love and great heartache. I didn't write about it because that made it all too real. I needed time to process and writing it down when it was fresh has been too, too painful for me in the past. Seeing as I didn't want to end up in a padded cell or catatonic (Yes, my life is like a soap opera. Just go with it) I didn't deal with it. I wrapped it up in a nice package and shoved it in the back of my mental closet.
I was discussing some of those issues on Tuesday and I realized that I'm not the same person that I was then. I've gone through some pretty rough things since October and I realized something: if all the bad things that happened that preceded it didn't break me and, on a scale of 1-10, they were all 30's, I'm gonna be okay.
The experiences I've had over the last few months would surely have broken someone weaker than me. It's not that I feel terribly strong on the surface, but I know, as an absolute certainty, that deep down I have an amazing reserve of strength, which all in all is pretty comforting really. When I find the time, between research papers, presentations, and exams during finals week, I will get it out. I think I'm ready to write about October and November. I think I'm ready to get it out and then get over it.
I'm tired of waiting; I wanna be happy now.
State of the Union: Tired
Listening to: Don't You Remember by Adele
We'll get to know each other, see if we have an interest in the same kind of future because I wanna build a life and a family. And I'm not wasting my time on someone who doesn't share that interest.
State of the Union: Pensive
Listening to: Rolling in the Deep by Adele
I took the "How You Know You've Become a Real New Yorker" quiz and I have to agree that, yes, I:
You’ve Learned to Live in a Very Expensive Box (space is less important than location. You simply head over to Ikea, grab some space savers and keep it moving).
You’ve Developed Tourist Rage (You find nothing more irritating than a group of tourists blocking the ENTIRE sidewalk when you have to get somewhere).
The Mad High Prices of Everything Begin To Seem Normal
You have Learned the Beauty of Delivery/Takeout
The Crazy Don’t Faze You (It takes a lot to get a real New Yorker shook).
Your Subway Skills Are On Point (A true New Yorker has also mastered the art of train-napping without missing her stop).
You Avoid Going Crosstown like the Plague.
You Never Let Practicality Get in the Way of Style (If you’re a real New York diva, you’d never let comfort get in the way of style. You simply slip a pair of foldable flats in the clutch for the walk back to the subway at the end of the night). My friends in Austin have looked at me crazy, but then applauded my ingenuity when I pulled a pair of flip flops out of my purse at the end of the night.
I may have been born in Texas, but my soul resides in the NYC.
State of the Union: Empire State of Mind fo sho
Listening to: Love by Keyshia Cole
You know what they say about the definition of insanity. I keep doing something wrong and everything ends up being disastrous, so I'm trying something different. I keep falling in love with men who always turns out to be the wrong man. It may be crazy, but I turned to the person that I kept falling in and out of love with for seven years for answers.
My waffle-half knows that it's over between us. Deep down, I really think he does, not by any choice of his own, but because he knows that he messed up. BIG. One thing that I've always liked about him is that, if I ask him a question, he'll find a way to tell me the truth that's honest without completely assassinating my feelings in the process. So, I asked him to tell me about myself and love. Let's see. He told me I:
1) Will stand up for the people/man I love, but find it impossible to stand up for myself with the people/man I love.
2) Let the people/man I love take advantage of me.
3) Let the people/man I love get in my head and talk me into things I don't want or talk me out of things I do want.
4) Pick men that have the same traits that I both admire/despise in my father.
5) Want someone who has the same strong will and determinism that I have that will stay and deal with a problem instead of walking away when things get hard because it's easier and I set myself up for failure because I pick men who appear to be tough and centered, but end up not being as strong emotionally as I am, so, invariably, I get hurt.
Damn.
State of the Union: Dazed
Listening to: I Shall Believe by Sheryl Crow
The future is fraught with decisions. I have to find another job. I want to find something part time that I like and that I would actually want to go to work for. I have to decide if I'm taking summer classes. I'd only take 2 because they're shorter and very labor intensive. I thought my lease was up at the end of June, but apparently, it's up May 31st. My apartment is too small for all my clothes (and books) and I refuse to give any away so it's either move to a bigger apartment in my complex or move someplace else. Then, they want me to sign another 12 month lease. I want to sign a 6. Urgh. My complex also has a program where, if I chose to leave for the summer, like travel or do study abroad, they'll hold my stuff inside my apartment (like a storage facility) until I return if I sign another lease. Then, it's almost time to pick classes for fall and start writing my Honors Thesis. Eek. The reality that, at this time next year, I'll be graduating just set in.
Oy, life is strange. And hectic.
State of the Union: Strange and hectic (Yes, I just repeated myself)
Listening to: Good Enough by Jazmine Sullivan
Today has been a minefield, a battlefield, pick your war emblem. I'm at the point where I don't want to log into IM because that's going to be a fight. I turned off my email notification because that was a HUGE fight, and I want to throw my phone at the fucking wall because that was a COLOSSAL fight.
Today, in short order, I was a) told that I used to be a caring person and now I'm a cold hearted bitch b) told that I'm mean-spirited for not giving forgiveness on someone else's time table c) told that I am fucking up my life royally and advised that I need Valium.
So, after being attacked from all sides by people that have, up until recently, occupied the largest spaces in my heart and soul, I have decided that I'm giving up. I am straight giving up. I'm not running my life to the satisfaction of anyone that's in it, so I am retreating from said life for a bit.
Some might say this is infantile, juvenile, childish, pick your psych word. I don't care. This is self-preservation. Part of me wants to hop in my car and just drive off into the sunset. Part of me wants to grab my passport, hop on a plane, and go to a destination where the sun is always shining, the beach is nearby, and no one knows me.
I'm going to stay, though, and deal with my problems and eradicate the people that are causing me stress and unhappiness. I promised my nana that I wouldn't keep running away from things I didn't want to deal with and it's a promise I intend to keep.
Tomorrow, I will put on bitch-face and do what needs to be done. Tonight, though, I'm going to put on my pajamas, pop a Valium, climb in the bed, and have a nice long cry.
State of the Union: Done
Listening to: My heart beating entirely too fast
Three years gone. It's hard to believe he's been gone for three years. A lot can happen in three years. A lot can change in three years. I still have my bucket list. It still hasn't been completed, but there's a lot on it. He was extremely bossy and extremely high in his expectations of what he wanted me to accomplish.
Things I still do:
1) Still think of him whenever I'm on a beach and I see an awesome wave.
2) Still remember his birthday every year and eat gnocci in his honor.
3) Still pray that his parents find peace.
4) Continue my quest of learning languages (one day I will be able to catch up to him)
5) Still think of him when Cat Powers pops up in my playlist.
6) Still remember how he was there for me when my nana died and how he sent me tulips and chocolates for Valentine's the week after she died to honor our tradition.
7) Still carry him with me everyday, everywhere I go.
I'm so angry still with Selena, but she remembered. She sent me an email telling me that she remembered what today was. I was trying to hold it together and I thought I was doing a good job, but her email was too much and my heart, and my eyes, just overflowed.
I sat up last night and let my mind wander and my thoughts (naturally) flowed towards him. I'm not angry at the Lord anymore. Gianni was an angel and a beautiful person inside and out and I would want him in Heaven with me, too. All I can do at this point is hold on to the lessons that he taught me and just go out and achieve all my dreams.
Life is fleeting. Grab your happiness where and while you can and hold on for dear life.
Tutti i giorni era come un sogno. Andato ma non dimenticato. (Everyday was like a dream. Gone, but not forgotten)
State of the Union: Bittersweet
Listening to: The Greatest by Cat Powers
It's funny how those that claim to know you the best know nothing at all. You expect the best, even when someone consistently shows you the worst, and then you're flummoxed when their true nature comes out yet again.
I'm no good at readjusting my expectations. I expect the world and get the moon. Some say that I should be happy with the moon. I'm sorry; I'm worth the world. I know that, there's nothing wrong with knowing that, and I shouldn't have to feel sorry for knowing and expecting that.
I sat here and I traced where I went wrong. I started at the beginning and traced every single major wrong turn I made and it all came back to one. So, that's where I attempted to start from again, because if I can fix that first wrong turn, I can stop making it over and over again.It's like I'm starting with the one that first broke me so that I can heal. Maybe then I'll stop feeling like this.
Maybe then I won't feel like someone ate my soul.
State of the Union: Void
Listening to: I'm in Here by Sia
I kinda had some stalker issues with my Twitter page before, so I made a special Twitter page specifically to bitch on. Yeah, you read right. Bitchy McBitcherton (a.k.a. me on a baaaaad day) tweeting live and direct at:
So, I planned my first trip to go and visit Kris in Seattle during Labor Day weekend when I would be out of school. Little did I know his parents also planned a visit as they were on their way to Alaska for a cruise. I arrived the night before they did. Kris met me at baggage claim with roses....
We went to have sushi and sake at Umi. The next day, we went to the airport to meet his parents. We ended up eating soul food at the Kingfish Cafe. Kris told me I look beautiful in purple.
The next day, the weather got better, so we took them sightseeing in downtown Seattle.
We went to Pike Place Market. It was awesome. There's lots of seafood, nuts, fruits, vegetables, crafts, clothes, the Starbucks mothership, and Kris found a souk and I got a gold hip scarf. Kris' parents were game for everything and it made the day awesome.
Married for over 40 years. To the same person!
I know we look like twinkies, but it was pure coincidence that we dressed alike. It's all good, though, because I happen to like Ma Bryant a lot.
Kris and his dad got in some good bonding time.
We got in some good bonding time as well. He always has me in stitches.
We took the Underground City Tour. The city planners of Seattle didn't account for flooding, erosion, and shifting land, so the city was sinking in areas. It was an interesting tour. Or maybe it was only interesting to me because I'm a history buff. Anywho, this was taken from underneath the sidewalk. It was kinda cool that people were walking on top of us and didn't know it...
We also went to Chinatown. We talked Kris' mom into having Pho for the first time. She liked it a lot. His dad stuck with Chicken Fried Rice.
We also went to the Crab Pot for seafood while they were in town visiting, but the pictures will make you really, REALLY hungry, so I'll skip them. Kris got to bond with his parents on this trip and it was a blast. I'd met them before, but I really got to know them during this trip and they are now some of my favorite peeps. Their family is awesome and it was awesome to be a part of it. Before they left for Alaska, we got their driver to take a picture of us all.....
I was sad to leave. Seattle is like Austin, except Austin doesn't have rain all the time and Seattle doesn't have Austin's humidity. I was more sad to leave Kris. It was such a good visit and we'd had such a good time and were so connected. Little did I know that I'd be going out there once a month. Shakespeare was right when he said that parting is such sweet, sweet sorrow, but this picture, taken inside the airport, is still my all time favorite picture of us.
State of the Union: Sleepy
Listening to: Love Faces by Trey Songz
I woke up yesterday from one of the strangest dreams I'd ever had. I was missing a special little lady that's turning six years old soon and I was missing my mother's mother. They were both in my dream and it was good and bad: good to see them, but bad because I ached all over with loss.
Heavy was my heart all day, so I went to the one place where I could take it away. After a successful excursion to the mall and a visit to my old childhood home, I paid a visit to Kris' parents. My visit was twofold. I missed them because they're funny, and quirky, and always happy to see me. I love the look on their faces when I walk through the door. They're genuinely nice people and they seem so touched because I take the time to go visit. Kris' mom is old school and she has some of the same personality traits and quirks as my grandmother, so when I spend time with her, it's kinda like my grandmother is still with me and you all know how much I used to love my grandmother just nana-ing me in that brusque, "I-don't-show-emotions-easily- so-I'm-going-to-fuss-you-to-death-because-that's-how-I-show-I-love-you-to-bits" type way.
The other part is that they run an in-home daycare and they have some of the cutest kids ever in there. Having a bad day? Go visit toddlers. They will make you laugh and brighten the worst mood. I spent an hour chasing them, playing games with them, and getting some of the best hugs that healed my poor, beat up heart. I love it there because the kids are small enough to still be sweet and not total little fuckers yet.
I'm sitting here at 4 in the morning, same as yesterday, except I don't hurt nearly as much as I was hurting yesterday. I can thank a crotchety, fusspot lady and a bunch of mixed infants for that.....
State of the Union: Calm
Listening to: A Change is Gonna Come by Sam Cooke
Okay, I know I've been promising since last August to post about Kris' visit home. Yes, I know he's came home like three other times since, then, but do you want the pictures or not??? Yeah, that's what I thought.....
Anywho, I'm too lazy to go back and edit the picture sizes, so you get everything jabamba-sized. Hope you don't mind.....
If you recall, Kris was living in Seattle, so we were doing the long distance thing of calling, texting, IM'ing, Face Booking, and Skyping. So, I was super excited when he came home to visit because we were a couple, but we still hadn't gone on a date yet. He took me to meet his parents and then this was after our first official date at Plucker's.
Yes, I know, we did things out of order by meeting the parents before our date, but we we're just unconventional like that. We went to Texas Land and Cattle so we could meet up with his best friend and family. His best friend's fiancee, Tracy, is a bartender. She had us a little snockered, so I christened us Ken and Barbie and we did silly things such as:
We went back to their place for more Tracy concoctions and then went out for sushi and sake at Midori.
Then I organized an event for him called the First Annual Team Kris Meeting. Team Kris came about because Kris launched a campaign to get me to date him, except he kinda forgot to tell me he was doing this. So, my friends, who are waaaay more observant than me, picked up on it and started browbeating me to give my childhood friend a chance. I said, "You're supposed to be on my side, Team Dynamite, not Team Kris," and well the name stuck. So, I put together an invite on Facebook and our friends came out. I had to badger the hostess to death for like an hour before we were seated, and I had to work out a seating chart for people so that everyone was mixed, yet meshed well. We got to meet up with Chris, who we went to high school with, and his new girlfriend (that I absolutely adored) Kelly.
I invited a few of my closest friends out.That's Julie, Mario, and Justin.
Marques, our friend since elementary school, brought his girlfriend, Angela.
Kris invited his neighbor, Mike, and his lovely wife, that I met last January when we all had barbecue at the Salt Lick.
I also invited Gilda and Sean. Gilda's like the Portuguese version of me. She's also an awesome belly dancer and cake maker and knitter and....
I was buzzing fairly hard. I posted this picture because a) I love it when Kris hugs me and b) I'm still proud of myself for being able to maintain my balance in those Steve Madden platform sandals considering how strong Trudy's makes their Mexican Martinis.....
I was super sad that Kris had to leave, but I asked him take a picture with me bright and early. He obliged fairly easily.
Both of us had our issues, but my heart was kavelling because I found someone that I really loved and admired that was strong enough to love me back.
State of the Union: Reminiscent
Listening to: Solo Por Un Beso by Aventura
I've hidden it in the one place you would turn to in a moment of great desperation. I know you go away with the weight of what happened on your shoulders, and I know that the only person who can ever take it off is you.
Please don't give up, Des, because all we really need to survive is one person who truly loves us and you have her.
I will wait for you always.
State of the Union: Conflicted
Listening to: The Constant by Michael Giacchino
It's a silent night.
And I think about how I'd come all this way to be sitting here.
And an unexpected wave of happiness washes over me.
It's been worth it. To be sitting here, right now. Alone.
And that night, I slept in heavenly peace.
From Elegance by Kathleen Tessaro
State of the Union: Surprisingly well
Listening to: There's No Place Like Home by Michael Giacchino
This year has been so up and down. I drew a line in the sand and issued an ultimatum, only I didn't issue it to another person, but to myself. I guess, technically speaking, it *is* an ultimatum to the another person, but my nana always said actions speak louder than words and your actions, when you don't know you're being watched and graded, are especially telling. How long does a person have to hold out hope? How long do you go on fooling yourself with what you want to be true before you finally face up to the reality of the quagmired situation that you've allowed yourself to become immersed in?
I just hope that I have the strength to do what needs to be done. I hope it doesn't come to that.
I really, really, really wish my nana was here.
State of the Union: Pensive
Listening to: Moving On by Michael Giacchino
I keep telling people that events in my life occur like cycles. Or circles. Things happen again and again. Feelings surface again and gain. Events just keep happening with startling regularity and that freaks me the hell out. I went to read my other blog, the one that's for me only. This entry was from over two and a half years ago and it mirrors something almost exactly that I wrote in my journal a year and a half ago and it mirrors what I was thinking a little bit more than six months ago that showed up in my travel journal.
Real Me
September 5, 2008
I don’t think anyone sees the real me. I know men don’t. All they see when they look at me is a pretty face and big boobs. They don’t see that I’m smart. They don’t see that I have quick wit and an insane sense of humor. They don’t see any of the quirky things that make me who I am. All they see is good ass. They blow up my email, my phone. They go out of control with the texting. They all want a piece of me. To sink into a piece of me, but do they really want me? That’s the 1,000,000 question.
I wonder if I’m a hard person to love. I don’t want to think so. I’d like to think that I’m challenging and not dull. I want to think that I’m intense and that’s what makes them afraid of me. It’s always been that way, ever since Patrick Newell made me cry that day. I think I’ve been broken ever since.
State of the Union: Perturbed as hell
Listening to: You Made a Fool of Me byMe'shell Ndegeocello
I blame Superman for my unrealistic expectations of love. Him and Jane Seymour. Well, not really, but Somewhere in Time is my favorite movie of all time and it has some of the romantic and unrealistic bullshit ever in it. Time traveling to find true love? Yeah, I bought it hook, line, and sinker. Richard and Elise make me believe in love. Oh, and it helps that Superman looks hot as hell with nice abs.....
The good stuff starts at 6:10.
"The man of my dreams has almost faded now. The one I have created in my mind. The sort of man each woman dreams of, in the deepest and most secret reaches of her heart. I can almost see him now before me. What would I say to him if he were really here? "Forgive me. I have never known this feeling. I have lived without it all my life. Is it any wonder, then, I failed to recognise you? You, who brought it to me for the first time. Is there any way that I can tell you how my life has changed? Any way at all to let you know what sweetness you have given me? There is so much to say. I cannot find the words. Except for these: I love you".
State of the Union: Swoon
Listening to: Somewhere in Time Soundtrack
I know I've been on a Grey's Anatomy kick, but it's kinda crazy how t.v. shows run parallel with your life in so many different ways. I used to say that every emotion I've ever felt has been sung about, at one point or another, in a Mariah Carey song. Well, now the same thing seems to be applying to Grey's.....
"Because I know now that I’m good enough not to deserve this…not to have to feel like this, not to love you so much that I almost hate you. I deserve someone who will stay."
State of the Union: Enlightened
Listening to: Oh Dear by Brandi Carlile
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with all her piercing's, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son,
John
P. S: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home......
So, my cousin Shannon decided that I'm Meredith Grey. Yes, dark and twisty Meredith from Grey's Anatomy and she showed me, via YouTube clips, why I earned that title. Good part? She learned a lot about me by reading my blog, so she feels like she knows me better. Kinda messed up part? She read my journal (not knowingly at first, but then she said it was too juicy to stop reading once she figured out it was not for her eyes).
Anywho. Here's the list:
Although my mother doesn't have Alzheimer's, this video describes the dynamic of our relationship. Yes, I am the parent and she is the child.
Shannon said this is probably what I sounded like when Kris and I were about to break up and I asked him to stay.
Since I have PCOS, I can probably blame a lot of the wackiness I go through on the excess estrogen and androgen in my system, but this describes my love life to a T and how I think I have a chance, but I really don't.
Shannon said that I am a combination of Meredith and Cristina in this scene. Meredith because of how I will gloss over and avoid issues I don't want to deal with and Cristina because I mate for life with my friends. Don't believe me? Look at my Facebook page. Most of my friends I have known 20+ years.
Son tested; Mother approved. This scene reminds me of when I met Kris' parents. Kris's mom put her stamp of approval on me and said that I make her son happy and that the change in him was visible)
Derek gave Meredith a kidney in a jar because he knew it would make her happy and Kris bought me a pink HP mini and a pink carrying case for my birthday because he knew it would make me happy. He even carried it through two airports and got looked at very crazy for doing so.
This almost exactly describes the conversation I had with Selena and how I needed her to be okay with Kris because she is my person (Unlike Meredith and Cristina's conversation, mine with Selena didn't go so well).
This clip, where Meredith tells her why she will defend Cristina no matter what, describes my relationship with Selena.
Meredith on drugs was probably a pretty fair assessment of how I was on Valium in the E.R.
OMG! This was Shannon and me after we drunk dialed Kris and he was drunk his damn self and hilarity ensured.We took turns puking the next day. (Shannon and myself, not Kris and myself)
Derek defending Meredith reminds me of how Kris always takes up for me and tries to protect me from anyone hurting me.
Meredith gets hit by her dad (please see entry two or three down)
State of the Union: Amused
Listening to: The Way You Are by Bruno Mars
I sound like P.Diddy. I took a few comments that people said to heart, as well as a slew of people bitching me out for allowing some hate-filled, spiteful person to stop me from doing something that I loved. I read an entry I wrote a few weeks before and realized that you give people dominion over you when you let them determine your behavior and course of actions and, since I'm NO one's bitch, I'm going to continue to blog.
I'm not going to flame this person for the trouble they've caused in my life or that of my love. Every bone in my body wants to expose this person to the world and turn over evidence to the authorities for cyber-stalking as I was advised to do by legal counsel, but I'm not going to do that because they just aren't worth the time and the effort of getting angry. I'm not going to compromise myself or trade blows with you. These kinds of childish petty games are beneath me and my mother raised me better than that.
In other news, life is going well. I'm interviewing for a new job that will bring me the same amount of money and INFINITELY less stress than my current position. There are less than three weeks left in the semester and, when it's over, I will have NINE classes left until I get my double degree in English and American Studies. Then, all that's left to chase is my teacher certification. Well,until I've taught for a few years and then go after my Master's, but still. I'm anxious for the semester to be over so I can visit my Nana. I miss her so and I'm starting to feel guilty for not going to see her sooner, but no matter. I will get to be in New York during Christmas which, even if you aren't Christian, is a sight to behold.
I still have Hanukkah shopping to do and Christmas presents to get and my cousin Shannon decided I need to put up my Hanukkah Bush (a.k.a. Christmas Tree). She's never been allowed anywhere near a Christmas Tree (other than Rockerfeller in NYC) so we're doing it super early since she's going back to New York for Thanksgiving. She can thank Kris for me being so generous because, if he hadn't been so persuasive, she'd be out of gas because I love the holidays as much as the next person, but even *I* don't put up my tree before Thanksgiving.....
State of the Union: Fiery
Listening to: Ghost in the Machine by B.o.B.
All of you loyal readers know that this blog was a therapy assignment to find an outlet to share my thoughts, feelings, and to find my voice after I was raped, but became a labor of love that I have cherished. Yesterday, the blog that I love, that has been hidden in plain sight and unmolested for almost four years, was invaded.
This place has been my refuge to share my joy, sadness, defeat, and success, but now it feels defiled. Someone, that was uninvited, found this place by invasive measures and used my words to hurt someone that I love more than life itself and hold close to my heart.
I feel like I've had my soul violated and am beyond hurt right now. There are so many other things that I want to say, but I'm going to refrain from saying anything else.
It's been a wonderful four years and I love you all.
State of the Union: Pillaged
Listening to: My heart breaking
I think I slept for maybe two hours last night. I went to bed upset, which I hate, because it affects my dreams. It isn't just that my grandmother's birthday is today, it's also the fact that my birthday is on Monday, which means it's Brandon's birthday, too. I'm going to Cabo with my boyfriend next weekend. It'll be the first time that I've gone there with a significant other and it'll be the first time that I've gone without Brandon or Gianni. I was sitting on the phone listening to my boyfriend watching a basketball game and this feeling of just extreme sadness came over me when I thought about myself and mortality.
Cancer changes you. It makes you value things that you didn't place much significance on before. I want to do everything, see everything, experience everything as quickly as possible because that's how I have lived my life for the past five years.I didn't think that I would live this long, so I filled my life to the brim and lived as large as possible and the biggest challenge has been readjusting my mindset to the strong probability that I'm going to survive. I have to change my mental focus and not be so intense about things and it's really, really hard.
Lately, it seems as if everyone is telling me what to do and how I should live my life and I absolutely HATE it. I've made so many impetuous decisions in the past that everyone feels compelled to put their two cents in on everything I do. I've been doubting myself lately. Somewhere in all of this, I feel like I lost myself. I lost my confidence. Selena says that I was depressed, but I've been depressed before and it doesn't feel like that. It feels like I lost my power. I let people think for me and decide for me and boss me around and tell me what's best and I became neutered in my decision making and my voice was muted, no silenced.
Last night, I started thinking about me. I started reading this little ol' blog that I started back in 2007. I wanted to remember what it felt like to be that girl. So strong. So feisty. So opinionated. I knew what I wanted and I wasn't afraid to go get it. All the disappointments and setbacks that I've encountered, all the fights, all the joy, all the tears. I'm not the same girl I was then. I have more scars. I have more wounds. I'm a little more tired. I'm a little more jaded.
But, I'm still me.
State of the Union: Rambling
Listening to: Sea of Love by Cat Power
I wish she were here. I miss her. Everyday. All the time. Stupid things will remind me of her. Payday candy bars. Young and the Restless. Hogshead cheese. The #4 Montopolis bus. Butter Pecan ice cream. My earliest childhood memories have her in it. She’s always been there. She’s like my second mother. In a lot of ways, she was more of a mother to me than my mother ever was. I still can’t reconcile myself to her being gone. Today is her birthday. She used to call it our birthday since mine is on the 11th and we had a joint birthday party every year, just the two of us.
I wish she were here. So many things are happening. So many things are changing. I wish she were here to see. I did my degree audit today and, after this semester is done, I have nine classes left until I graduate. The road to get here has been long and fraught with pain, frustration, and hard work. It breaks my heart that she won’t be here to see me walk across that stage and get my diploma. I’ll be the first one of her grandchildren to graduate from college and the second person on my mother's side of the family, other than my aunt Mary, to graduate from college. Period. In June of next year, I’ll have been in remission for five years. She died of breast cancer, but I survived it. I’m not sure what all that means, but I know it links us.
I wish she were here. She knew all the bad things about me: all the faults and frailties, that I hid from other people and she still thought I was someone worth loving. If she were here, she could be a Codex to help my boyfriend understand all the quirks and intricacies that are I. I wish she were here to put her stamp of approval on him. I wish she were here so that she could tell him the stories, so that she could tell him about me and how to calm me down when I get panicked, and how I get cranky when I’m sleepy, how you know I love you if I allow myself to cry in front of you, and all the ways that I try to hide that I’m hurting because I don’t want anyone to worry about me (bad) or pity me (worse).
I wish she were here so that she could fix this hole in my heart where she is and always will be. I miss her advice. I miss her off key singing voice that I inherited. I miss her strength. I miss her love.
State of the Union: Bereft
Listening to: I'm in Here by Sia
Lindsay Lohan's momma is pissed off, but look closely and you'll see that Lindsay's attorney,Shawn Chapman Holley, one of the best black attorney's out there, is trying not to crack up. For real, she's probably doing the ha ha! that Nelson does on the Simpsons. I can't even feel bad for Lindsay because she's had 50 bajillion chances to get her crap together and her momma needs her butt kicked for making excuses for her and not forcing her to face up to her responsibilities.
State of the Union: Disgusted but cracking up
Listening to: Airplanes by B.O.B. featuring Hayley Williams
While it's not okay what he did, I can understand his motivation. I don't use the "n" word. Ever. I know some people think that it's okay to say that if you're black or African American (pick your term), but I think that it sends the message that we're all okay with being called that. And, like my nana said, the "n" word is reserved for anyone, regardless of race, that is acting ignorant. I ain't gonna lie. I did kinda laugh, not sure if it's because it was just because it was funny or because of the bizarre-o role reversal where, instead of a white person holding the hose, it's a black person. Anywho....take a gander.....
State of the Union: Shaking my Head
Listening to: All This Beauty by the Weepies
I miss my old friend, Chivalry. I miss manners and courtly love. I miss boys that have been properly schooled in how to romance a lady and treat her right. I have high expectations and I am constantly let down.
Men should be taken aside and taught how to be a gentleman. I think they have the thing down about opening doors for ladies and walking on the outside to protect them from danger, splashed water/mud, and potential purse snatchers on Vespas (don't laugh; I watched it happen in Italy once). There are little niceties that I think they should learn.
I went to lunch with a friend yesterday and observed some disheartening behavior from a guy as he was on a date with this chick. He may have been nervous, so I didn't grade him down for the constant tapping he was doing with his hands, but what was up with the foot tapping, too? I only tap my foot when I'm making it known (in the loudest, most impatient way possible) that I'm waiting for someone to get off their ass and get to it. Then he kept checking out women as they walked by. He wasn't being overtly obvious about it, but he did it enough that I noticed and, if she's worth her salt, she did, too. That's beyond rude. Your attention should be focused on the honey you're with, not trying to scam out future prospects. She made the half-hearted offer that girls make to pay, when secretly they really don't want to, and that clown actually took her up on it. He's either clueless or cheap and, either way, that was a big X.
What ever happened to romance? Hand holding, stolen kisses, long lust-filled looks? What happened to people forgetting that anyone else exists and just getting lost in each other? What happened to being so happy and in love that you want to burst? Or being so infatuated with someone's physical presence that you want to spend as much time with them as possible? When did people start spending less time talking about their relationship and more about what did or did not work in their relationship with their ex? What happened to sending someone flowers just because you know it would make them smile? What happened to surprises and weekend trips just to get away and be alone? What happened to lust so strong you just can't wait to rip their clothes off?
It seems to have disappeared. Maybe I was born in the wrong era. Maybe it's all those old movies I used to watch. I miss romance. I miss love in the afternoon.
State of the Union: Wistful
Listening to: Fascination by Andre Rieu
Went to Vegas in July. Yes, again. I went with Tomi and stayed at the Venetian.
Went to the Paris and got one of those Eiffel Towers filled with Rum. Maaaan. I tried to finish that thing and it didn't work out......
Got completely lit up the whole time I was there.....
I also spent some time poolside....
I gambled. I know. *head hung low in shame* Don't tell my momma. Oh and I won a hundred bucks on the penny slot machine.
Also got to hang out with Livvy, Tisha's best friend from Canada.
Her Vegas boyfriend, Craig was cool and she was good fun.
Tisha and I stopped speaking to each other again. In case you forgot, she's the girl I went to Drunk Ass Karaoke with.
Why we're not friends is a whole separate blog entry in and of itself. I'm just going to post the texts and Facebook messages that went back and forth and let you draw your own conclusions. However, it did make things a little awkward when Justin (her ex best friend) and I showed up at Marley's first birthday and she was giving us the stink eye.
She's still a little bitter because she dumped her fiancee and her best friend refused to stop being friends with him and then *I* refused to stop being friends with either of them.
I guess pictures like this didn't help....hehehe.
Let's see. We also had the belly dancing troupe competition. I danced in a Michael Buble jazzy type number and also in a Cycles Dance that had belly dance, modern dance, and yoga that was awesome, but probably would have made more sense to me if I'd taken a hit of LSD first.
Went to Nadine's birthday party in a drugged out stupor because of a combination of Benadryl, strong drinks, and sake during my boyfriend's visit. (I promise I will blog about it. I really will!)
We also went on the Austin Belly Dance Association Party Barge, which I christened the Belly Dance Booze Cruise.
I was super excited to hang out with Sonya and Julie's mimosas were strong as hell.
I promise that I will blog about my boyfriend's visit to Austin. It's gonna take up a whole entry by itself. Anywho, I'm going to Seattle on Friday to visit him. I'll be sure to take lots of pictures. I also have a belly dance show coming up on September 11th called Year and a Day. I'm dancing in a group choreography and doing a solo to Gianni's favorite song. Pray for me because I am super nervous. It'll be the first time I have to dance in front of people that haven't been instructed to be nice to me and the people in the audience will be *serious* dancers, not piss-abouts like myself.
State of the Union: Busy
Listening to: Rock Star by Rihanna
I'm not really sure how to articulate the feelings I have right now because I get so confused because so many different emotions course through me on a given day. I'll give you the skinny on what's been going on. School started last week. I am taking five classes this semester: A nutrition class, an American Studies class on Body Image in the United States, a Shakespeare class, another English class about English as a World Literature, and a Cultural Diversity class on Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. My dad and I still aren't speaking. My mom and I made up from our little tiff, but I don't think she really got why I was upset, so I'm sure it'll happen again. Facebook has helped me reconnect with a lot of old friends. Oh, and in case you were wondering, I love my boyfriend.
How do you know I love my boyfriend? Well, this weekend is a perfect example. I know that I've changed a lot in the course of writing this blog. The way I think and how I act have changed, too. I went to a party of Friday night and there was a guy there that, six months ago, I would have made out with, no questions asked. He was exactly my type. I didn't so much as make googley eyes at him or take down his number in case things didn't work out with my boyfriend.
My single friends, and my not-so-single friends go out. A lot. I used to go out with them. I do still, but not *nearly* as much as I used to. I turned down a raucous Saturday night in San Antonio, drinking and carousing, to sit at home and talk to my boyfriend on the phone. Yeah, I know.
The biggest change in me? How I deal with my waffle half. He called me tonight. He's why I'm up writing right now because he woke me up and now I can't sleep. I haven't responded to most of his texts and I've stopped taking his phone calls, so he called me from someone else's number. In my sleep-drunk stupor, I answered because it wasn't his ringtone calling me. He asked me where I'd been and how I was doing and so on and I answered. He actually admitted that he missed me and that he wanted another chance. He told me in no uncertain terms how he felt about me "sneaking behind his back" and going off and getting a boyfriend and I started cracking up on that one. We'd argued before about my boyfriend and he said some really unflattering things about him and said that I'd be coming back to him in no time at all, so he was *really* surprised that I was still with him. He kept trying to get me to tell him where I live now so he could come over and kiss me because all it would take was one long, soulful kiss and some hot sex and he just KNEW I'd leave my relationship behind and go back to him. He was surprised as hell when I turned him down flat.
I know I love my boyfriend because I put him first. I put him above my waffle half that has came before everyone else for over seven years. If I told Kris, he would get it, but he wouldn't get it. All of you would because you've been there for a large chunk of that relationship, in all it's glory and defeat. You know how hard it is for me to believe Kris when he tells me that he loves me. You know why I'm always in crash position waiting for something bad to happen and you know how hard it was for me to open up to him and to stop waiting for the moment when he breaks my heart. I've never been more scared because I don't have a backup plan. I haven't recruited for the fall back guy in case things don't work out with us.
I have so much trepidation and fear. Everyone keeps telling me to trust in the cosmic goodness of the universe. You know how the universe has treated me in the past so you, of all people, understand why I am tempted to sleep with one eye open......
State of the Union: Confused
Listening to: Ode to my Family by the Cranberries
I was Skyping with my nana today and she made me think about relationships and what I want out of them and what kind of guy it is I want to have. I remember back when I made that big, long-winded grocery list of what I wanted that I called my "Manly Wish List."
Well, I decided to put Kris to the test (I edited out the commentary that went with each bullet point, but feel free to go back and reread my idiocy if you're bored and have time to kill):
* I want someone that's smart. CHECK
* I want someone that's funny, that likes to laugh, and can laugh at themself. CHECK
* I want someone that is honest and caring. Check
* I want someone that would make a good father. CHECK
* I want someone that reads books. CHECK
* I want someone that likes to eat. CHECK
* I want someone that likes to dance, or doesn't mind if I go out and dance with someone else(as long as it's understood that I won't whore around.) CHECK
* I want someone that has the same wanderlust that I have and loves to travel. CHECK
* I want someone that can be happy going out and partying and equally happy staying at home and vegging out on the sofa. CHECK
* I want someone that's dominant without being domineering, that can let me be me, but reign me in when I go into one of my tangents CHECK
* I want someone that is open to compromise CHECK
* I want someone that won't lie to me, won't cheat on me, won't deliberately manipulate me to get their own way and that won't hit me. CHECK
* I want someone with their own source of income. CHECK
*I want someone that understands me, where I come from, and why I'm all messed up and likes me anyway. CHECK
Ding, Ding, Ding. I have a winner!
For shits and giggles, let's see how he did in the bonus round, shall we?
*Owns a diesel truck (No, but he has a Charger. Grrrr.....)
*No felony convictions CHECK
*No prison stays CHECK
*Not actively on probation CHECK
*No pending cases CHECK
*Is not opposed to country music or reggaeton NO on the country, CHECK
on the reggaeton
*Doesn't have an inferiority complexes CHECK
*Is viking in the sack CHECK (no questions on how I know, just go with it)
*Loves football CHECK (He likes the Cowboys, but I'm willing to overlook it)
*Doesn't have 12 kids by 12 different women CHECK
*Can tolerate my MTV/VH1/ Soapnet compulsion CHECK
*Likes to ride horses (I don't know. Have to ask about that one)
All in all, he is my perfect man. It's one thing to feel it down to your toes, but it's another when you can see it in black and white. I'll post up pictures from his visit later, but I'm floating on a high right now.
I picked a winner. Well, technically, a winner picked ME, but you know what I mean.
State of the Union: Sublimely happy
Listening to: Dope Crunk by Beats Antique
We're dancing to this song on Saturday night at the Troupe Competition. I'll make sure to post the video once I get it. For now, here are the lyrics and the video. Michael Bublé is singing how I feel right now, and he's not hard on the eye, either.
Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Reeds driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom in the tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when the day is done, that's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
Fooor me
Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Yeah freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
hu
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
It's a new life
For me
This is no surprise to those of you that I'm friends with on Facebook, but...."wait and see" kinda went flying out the window and now we're in "try this and make it work" mode. In convoluted Slayer terms, that means I now have a gentleman caller a.k.a. boyfriend.
His name is Kris. I don't want to go into any of those trite, "Oh he's so smart, so funny, so cute!" comments (even though he is all of those things). Let's just say that I'm really vain and I went out and found someone that has a lot of the same interests and personality traits that I have. Completely accidental, of course, hehehe. We want the same things out of life and, while we're similar, we're different enough to where we won't get bored with each other in ten seconds.
It took a little bit of doing to get us to this point. Let's just say that he knew I was the girl for him when we were seven. Me? It took me a lot longer because I didn't take his declarations of affections seriously because they were accompanied by laughing sarcasm that I didn't realize was a defense mechanism. Plus, I had to date every loser in a 100 mile radius first.
The flame was kindled at my birthday party. That whole situation was crazy because, while I was dealing with my lust of Troy and my ambivalence towards his swamp thing girlfriend that looks like Amanda, I was also trying to figure out why I was so upset that Kris was there with another girl. It was odd that the sight of Troy with his girlfriend was met with general disgust, yet the sight of Kris with his date of choice led me directly to the bar where I proceeded to knock back Patron shots and get truly wasted.
It's been a long, hard road to get here, stemming back from the playground, and I apparently led him on a merry chase for many a year.
Oh well. I'm worth the wait.
State of the Union: Smugly pleased
Listening to: Turn to Stone by Ingrid Michaelson
I guess I'd have to look at my phone and flip through to see when this started, but I've been talking to this guy that I went to high school with. I don't even know how to describe it. He teased me mercilessly, made fun of me, and acted like a butthole to me all the way through school. In some ways, things really haven't changed, except we tease each other and mock fight with each other via Facebook.
I never really thought about dating him seriously. The thought crossed my mind briefly at my birthday party but I was going through traumatics with He-that-shall-not-be-named and my friend came with a date. I looked at him though my gin-induced stupor and wanted to kiss him. I'd never actually thought about it before. Then I wanted to kiss him when we were eating barbecue at the Salt Lick.
He's living in another state for six months doing techie contract work. It's easy because he's known me since I was seven. He knows all the petty bad things about me that I try to beat out of myself and he still likes me. I just have to be careful. I have to make sure I'm not rebounding. I don't want to do that to him and I don't want to do that to myself.
It's just odd. Crazy chemistry. Long phone conversations. A bajillion texts. All from someone that I've known for years and years. He's not the type I'd generally go for, but seeing as how that's been one disaster after another, I'd say this is working out in his favor. I don't know what's going to happen. Six months is a lifetime. Especially if you're me.
We'll see.
State of the Union: Five by five
Listening to: The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice
I have to blog completely about Vegas later, but for now, let me set the scene. Imagine you are my friend Andrea. You've just got off a flight. You didn't eat properly. You go to the sushi restaurant where the portions aren't *nearly* as big as they are in Texas and you pay three times the cost of Texas, so you don't eat *nearly* enough. You take five shots, drink four mixed drinks, and three beers in less than an hour. You get wasted, you're weaving, you can't see straight, and you have to be led back to the hotel by your hot, but drunk friend. Since you're drunk out of your mind and wearing platforms, you keep pitching over and cracking your head on the pavement. You hit your head four times on the back side and twice on the forehead because your friend can only hold half of you up.
Your friend, who is also drunk, wearing a short ass dress and platform shoes is having a hard time with you and is getting pissed and embarrassed because everyone is pointing and laughing at you and making messed up comments because you're drunk on the ground with your legs open, your eyes rolling back in your head, and you still have the nerve to be trying to fight people for talking shit. So, in desperation, your friend pays a guy $50.00 to help hold up the other end of you so that we can make it from Harrah's to the Bellagio where you're staying. The guy dumps you on the crossway before you make it to the Bellagio because he's afraid he'll get blamed for your head bleeding and you looking like you got Ike Turner'd (the Good Samaritan was Black, so you already know he had a right to be concerned), so you call your friend's cousin to come help where, once you make it into the lobby, the security takes one look at you and calls up the hotel doctor who you promptly try to fight.
Your friend, who is drunk and has all her breasts popping out of her dress, seems to be the only person your drunk ass will respond to or listen to, so she has to keep telling you random happy things to keep you awake and not beating people up. The EMTs show up and it takes three of them to hold you down and they end up having to strap you to a gurney because you're fighting them, and take you to the emergency room because you're bleeding and they think you're on drugs. Your beleagured friend has to calm you down and keep telling you things to keep you awake, but then you stop breathing twice and they have to intubate you and then she sits in the E.R. with you until five in the morning. You end up with a BAAAAAD concussion, bruises over your body, two broken toes, you break your friend's camera because you knocked her purse out of her hand and then promptly landed on it smushing the camera and everything else inside it, you mess up your phone, you pull out your IV after your long suffering friend tells you not to and then you get upset that blood starts spurting everywhere. Your friend says, "I told you not to pull it out," and then you have the nerve to get mad and say she should have told you what would happen if you did because you wouldn't have if you'd have known, and then your friend tells you that she doesn't tell people to do things or not to do things unless there's a good reason and she didn't really think you'd be dumb enough to pull it out for real.
You get released after arguing with the staff about where your cell phone and i.d. are. The cell phone is recovered, the i.d. is not. Your friend has to call the hotel security to come and pick the two of you up and you try, unsuccessfully, to bribe him to stop and get you a burger and fries. You wonder what all your other friends are doing and you get back to the suite at the Bellagio and you and your friend are forced to order room service and get charged $17.00 a piece for burgers and fries. You pass out in your clothes and the next day, all you care about is A) what you told your loser boyfriend on the phone when you were blitzed out of your mind, B) trying to make sure that your arch nemesis doesn't find out what happened because he will never let you live it down and C) the fact that you don't have an i.d. and now you can't get into any clubs on Saturday night.
This is only the first night. Oh, and the worst part, your best friend got part of it on her video phone and posted that shit on You Tube. I was extremely drunk, for the record.
State of the Union: Exasperated
Listening to: Please Don't Leave Me by Pink
I used to get all these ideas about what all you guys look like it my head. I didn't know what your voices sounded like, but I could imagine and pretend. You give good advice to me over the internet, you know more about certain aspects of my life than my own mother, but I haven't met the majority of you. You come into my life, and I into yours, and we're strangers, but we're soooo not strangers.
You've laughed with me. Cried with me. Got angry with me. Threatened people with pitchfork-mobs on my behalf. You've cheered me up, cheered me on, and been some of the best cyber-friends a pal can have. Gianni used to call you my "blog peeps" and my "cyber-family" and you guys really are.
I'm waxing sentimental here, and not drunk at all, so that must mean I really love you guys. I'll be all evil and bitter later and put things back to normal, but I want to thank each and every one of you for being my family.
State of the Union: Warm and Fuzzy
Listening to: the whir of the fan in my MacBook
Dating Diaries:Trash Deserves Trash...What?Too Harsh?
When my relationships go belly up, I generally don't blog about why they went bad. Well, except in the case of Naughty Nanny Dude because that was way too bizarre and too funny *not* to blog about it. I said that I wouldn't post the reasons in an open forum and I haven't. It does astound me that, for someone that claims to love me so deeply, and do anything for me to keep me happy, for someone who said that, if my cancer came back, would take care of me, he broke the world's speed record for rebounding with his ex.
Thanks to the keen eye of my friend Jen, who wanted to ensure that I don't go back to "Retard Richard" as she calls him, she did a little recon and came up with a timeline that even I can't ignore. She is nosy to a fault and went smooth up on his My Space page and started looking at his pictures. She came up with this:
Yes, she looks like a total hood rat.This is his ex-booty call, his words, not mine, that he says used to come over and try to hook up with him when we were together and yes, according to him, she was a stripper. Where? I have no idea, but I hear the Landing Strip will hire anyone, so hey. Whatevs. I don't spend too much time looking at his pictures or his page because, makes me sound bad as a girlfriend, I didn't particularly care and there were so many grammatical mistakes and punctuation errors that it made my head hurt. Well, Jen noticed that, after I went and got my car and assorted items of mine that he had in his possession, he added this one:
They were obviously taken on the same day at the same party so why the subterfuge in not putting it up until after he was sure that I wasn't coming back if he didn't do anything with her. I don't understand why he tried to hide it in the first place. Even when we were together, I didn't care that he was still friends with her. I really didn't. That, in itself, should have told me what I really though about our relationship because I am not only the baddest bitch, I have to be the *only* bitch.
I know he can't be by himself. He is one of those people that *has* to have someone physically there or else he will go insane and I know that he's a big ol' horndog that needs sex constantly, so I know he hooked up with her. I'm a big ol' horndog, too, so the fact that I was coming up with excuses to not sleep with him should have been a red flag in itself. Sleuthy Jen, as I now call her, checked his updates and figured out, by his status and mood page, that he hooked up with her less than a week after we broke up. I hadn't even gone to pick up my stuff yet and, that same night, after he slept with her, he texted me telling me that he missed me. Uh....okay?
I hadn't deleted him from my My Space page even though multiple people told me I should. His little sister is on my page as well and I'd have to delete her as well and *she* never did anything to me. I don't look at his page and I assumed he didn't look at mine until he started sending me messages. What ticked me off and prompted this entry? He commented on the fact that I had gone to Schlitterbahn and said that, if I ever wanted to go again, to let him know because he had the hook up. Wanna know who is hook up is? His fricking hook up! Yes, that skanky stripper. I think she works there or knows someone that does. How do I know? Sleuthy Jen pointed out the update that said he had an unexpected trip to Schlitterbahn. Oh, and this:
Skank wearing bikini? Check. Hand positioned like she was stroking his hair? Check. Me vomiting in my mouth that I would ever date a jackass that would actually try and run game on the girl that *invented* the game? Check. For the record, the part that has me steamed isn't that he's hooking up with her. He can do whatever he likes with whomever he likes. It's *MY* observation skills that has me wanting to choke the living shit out of his ass. I noticed something that Jen couldn't pick up on because she didn't know what she was looking at. The part that has me just BRASSED OFF is the fact that see that iTrip sitting on her lap? That's mine. See that iPod? That's mine, too. The part that has me absolutely fucking LIVID? See that jacked up tint on the passenger side window at the top and the smudge stain in the middle? He caused that stain when he put his greasy, gelled up hair against the window one day when I was driving him to his parent's house. Yes, people, that's MY FUCKING CAR! He rode that bitch around in MY FUCKING CAR!
I'm so pissed off, my hands are shaking. He was a loser. I didn't figure it out at first because he hid his craziness well. I will never, ever, EVER forgive or forget this. I want to go OLD TESTAMENT on his ass. I want to run into him and mess him up, all the while wearing that shirt shirt You know. The one that Lindsey Lohan wore on TRL after she and Wilmer Whatshisname broke up:
You had best believe there will be retribution. I will go Old Testament, Vengeance-is-Mine-Thus-Saith-the-Lord on him.
State of the Union: Over loser men
Listening to: Irreplaceable by Beyonce and, believe me, the irony of the lyrics about the dude riding his jumpoff around in a car that Beyonce bought isn't lost on me, trust.
I saw this on Media Take Out and I *had* to take it. I wanted to know if I was a hoodie or not/
1. You've ever used an album cover for a dustpan.
(5 points) {I used Michael Jackson's Off the Wall}
2. If you've ever run a race barefoot in the middle of the street.
(10points) {Do dirt roads count as a street}
3. You had a candy lady in your neighborhood.
(5 + 5 extra points if your house was the candy lady)
4. If you ever had to pick your own switch or belt.
(3 points for each) {Had to go pick my own switch}
5. If you have ever had to walk to school or walked home from school.
(2points) {That wasn't ghetto. I lived down the street and there was no bus service} 6. If you have ever used dishwashing liquid for bubble bath.
(5 points)
7. If you ever mixed Kool-Aid one glass at a time because you got tired of other people drinking up the Kool-Aid you just made.
(5 points)
8. If you have ever played any of the following games: hide and go seek, freeze, tag, Momma may I? or red light/green light.
(2 points each) {Guilty as charged}
9. If your neighborhood had an ice cream man.
(2 points + 2 if he rang a bell) {We used to have a Blue Bell truck on our street}
10. If you refer to "Now and Later" candies as "Nighladers".
(5 points)
11. If you've ever run from the police on foot.
(5 points + 5 if you got away)
12. If you've ever had reusable bacon grease in a container on your stove.
(5 points + 15 if you still do it) {My nana used to do that}
13. The batteries in your remote control ever been held in by a piece of tape.
(5 points)
14. If you have ever worn any of the following fragrances Brute, Hai Karate, Jean Nate, Old Spice, Chloe, English Leather, Stetson, Charlie, or Faberge.
(1 point each)
15. You've ever used Tussy Deodorant.
(5 points)
16. You've never been to the dentist.
(15 points)
17. If you have a friend or family member whose nickname is one word said twice: dee-dee, fee-fee, man-man, Kay-Kay, lee-lee, ree-ree, ray-ray, nay-nay, tee-tee etc.
(10 points)
18. You have ever paged yourself for any reason.
(3 points)
19. You've ever worn house shoes outside of the house.
(2 points)
20. You add "ED" or "T" to the end of words already in the past tense
(for example, Tooked, Light-Skinneded, kilt, ruint, etc.)
(5 points)
21. You use 'n'em to describe a certain group of people ( for example Craig'n'em or Momma 'n'em). {Only in Dimebox} (5 points)
22. You've ever driven on a donut more than 2 weeks after your flat.
(5points)
23. Your child drops his/her pacifier and you sanitize it by sucking it.
(10 points)
24. You have ever slept in a chair to avoid messing up your hair.
(10 points)
25. You've ever left a social gathering with a plate.
(2 points) {Anyone that says that haven't done this is lying.}
26. You can't hold a glass because of the length of your nails.
(5 points)
27. The gold teeth in your mouth spell words.
(10 points)
28. You don't have your own place but your child has a leather coat and a pair of Jordan's. (15 points)
29. You constantly hit *69 and ask, "Did you just call here?"
(10 points)
30. You think Tupac is still alive.
(20 points)
31. If you are going to have to use a calculator to add your points.
(25points)
-- Now the totals...
0 - 50 points - I guess you were raised in the suburbs
51 - 75 points - A bonafide ex-hood rat
76 - 150 points - Spent a little time in the projects, huh?
150 points or more - Still there, huh?
What’s your score???? I got a 44. A lot of my answers came from summers in Dime Box. We weren't hood rats; we were just country as hell....
State of the Union: Tickled (and looking for some Now and Laters)
Listening to: Piece of My Heart by Janis Joplin
Yet again, I find myself on the illusive search for love. I don't want to sling mud at him because, for all his faults, he wasn't a completely horrid person. Let's just say he wasn't for me. For many reasons. Not just because I'm being picky. There were valid reasons, not like the time I broke up with that dude that brayed like a donkey when he laughed. Or the guy with the "too moist" lips. Or the guy with the guyliner (In my defense, any dude that wears more makeup than me is definitely suspect.)
There were seriously valid reasons that I am a tad bit ashamed to write about. I counsel my friends all the time about being in destructive relationships, and yet, I stayed in one for six months. When I finally realized I was being hypocritical, and that I was unhappy to boot, I put the kibosh on it. To which he responded, according to a reliable source, by hooking up with his stripper ex (do I call her an ex when all she ever did was use him as a booty call ?) not even a week after we were broken up. So much for being in love with me, eh? Oh well, at least I'm no longer with a jackass that would slash his arm with a knife and threaten to throw himself in front of an oncoming train to keep me from leaving him.
Anyhoo, I refuse to become one of those bitter people that bashes men every time a relationship goes horribly awry. I just look at this as an opportunity for growth and reflection. Besides, football season is upon us and, if you know nothing else about me, you will see that Slayer is never alone for long at a tailgate.
Ta for now!
State of the Union: Surprisingly upbeat
Listening to: Everybody's Changing by Keane.
Lets talk about things that are chapping my ass today, shall we? What is the deal with people trying to eat out of my plate? That's rude. That's unsanitary. That's just gross and, as Aline found out, it will get you stabbed in the hand with my spork. Do people not get it? I'm fat. I don't share. I'm a fatty that doesn't share and will CUT you if you eat out of my plate.
What's the deal with immigrants crying "You're discriminating against me because I'm not from the United States and I don't speak Engligh?" I didn't turn off your service because you aren't from here. I didn't cut off your service because you speak Spanish. I cut off your service because you didn't pay your flipping bill.
What's up with the passive aggressive beyotch vibe that people are exhibiting? I miss the old fashioned days when people said what they felt. Don't be overtly beyotch-y. Be upfront about it. I'd probably like you better and be more inclined to do what you want. News Flash: the silent treatment won't work on me. I don't want to hear you talk anyway, so your silence is nirvana for me.
Did my apartment complex *really* think I would renew my lease when I can get a 2 bedroom, 2 bath for $50.00 cheaper than what they're charging me for a 1 bedroom, 1 bath? The new complex has a volleyball court, a tennis court, 2 pools with jacuzzis, saunas, a gym with flat screen tvs, on site maintenance, and it's right across the street from my job. Did you honestly think you could compete? No need to tell you how hard I laughed when I got off the phone.
Know what else is chapping my ass? T.V. Let's start with Lost. I have to wait until next year to find out what the heck happened to my beloved Juliet. I could care less what happens to Izzie or George on Grey's Anatomy. It's hard to get invested when you can see the contract negotiations on all the gossip sites. I want to know what happened to Poppy on Gossip Girl because Georgina is the devil and I want to know how she can be Blair's roommate at NYU when Michelle Trachtenburg is getting her own series on NBC. I'm trying to figure out why I stopped watching Ugly Betty. I'm trying to decide if I want to watch Flash Forward. Now I'm up in arms about if I would want to know the future. Stupid trailers. Why do you have to make me think?
I will be evil and grumpy until next spring when Lost comes back on and I refuse to acknowledge that it will be the last season. If I didn't have the DVD's, you would see me on the nightly news. And please, don't even get me started about the demise of Guiding Light, how many people I will hurt if my TnT addiction (that's Todd and Tea on One Life to Live) doesn't play out the way I want it to, or how who I want to strangle for killing off Stuart Chandler on All My Children. I refuse to think about the decline of my beloved General Hospital and the ABC executives that I will slaughter if they get rid of Lucky Spencer. Take note, alphabet network execs, if you get rid of my eye candy, there will be an international incident of epic proportions. There won't just be a disturbance in The Force. I will eat the whole frocking Force for lunch.......
State of the Union: Crabby as Hell
Listening to: Long December by Counting Crows
Rodeo is one of the most fun places to go when you are trashed. Yes, the men are on the short side. Yes, they will hit on you even if their wife is standing next to them (Most of the time, the wifey doesn't understand English, so cheating dog husband feels free to say whatever he wants). Yes, it is a little on the seedy side, but that's why I love it.
Why do I love Rodeo? Because I like to dance to sonideros. I love Rodeo because I can go in there with no money and come out drunk as a skunk because Mexican men get offended if you won't let them buy you a drink (The same men get offended if you offer to buy them a drink because a real man doesn't take money from a woman). I love Rodeo because people wear the most MESSED up fashions, so you always have someone to make fun of, and there is always some drama going on for you to ooh and aah over.
Main reason why I love Rodeo? My friends are insanely fun. Or crazy. It's open to interpretation.
In my defense, I was really, really wasted and thought I was holding the camera upright.
State of the union: Happy
Listening to: Down - Rakim y Ken-Y
