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Like Wonder Woman, only in stilettos.....
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Dating Diaries: Control
People get off on having control over you. People get off on knowing that they can get you to do whatever they want you to do because they have power over you. I was in love with a boy. He was like a drug. He put me under his spell and kept me hooked. I loved him and he fucked me over time and time again. We've remained friends, but he's my drug and I acknowledge that.
For years, he strung me along. Hell, he didn't even have to say much. He didn't have to do much. I met him when I was vulnerable and weak. My brother, Brandon, had just died, and I was lonely and he was there. He's been here for seven years now.
Three months ago, he said he was ready to settle down and seemed hurt and offended that I didn't believe him. He talked about how he was older now and more mature. Yesterday, he asked me if I loved him and seemed hurt when I told him, "Not anymore." I was honest with him. I told him that I used to love him, but he made it virtually impossible. For the first time, I acknowledged that he used to lie to me, that he hurt my feelings by sleeping with other girls. I even copped to being hurt that he got his ex girlfriend pregnant and had a baby with her. All the things that I never said before, I said yesterday.
I think I shocked him by being matter of fact. I think I shocked him by not being hurt or angry. I admitted aloud that I used to be in love with him. I'd never said that (to him, anyway) in seven years. He acted like he was touched. He acted like it meant something, and the old me would have jumped for joy. The old me would have analyzed every word, every syllable, every nuance of his voice. I would have held on to every single second of it like it was the most precious thing I owned. I've known him and loved him for seven years, but I guess seven years has taught me something.
He will never change.
State of the Union: Enlightened
Listening to: Foolish by Ashanti |
Posted: 9:40 PM, Thu 18 Mar 2010 in Dating Diaries |
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Dating Diaries: Splendored Thing
I think I'm in love. Well, I've known it for a while now, but I'm actually saying it here. Saying it here makes it official. Saying it here makes it real. Of course, saying it doesn't mean that he reciprocates. I don't know how Troy feels about me. I just know how I feel about him. I get butterflies when I think about him and, even though it was probably harmless on his end, just the punctuation on a salutation, when he pecked me on my lips, I felt an electric shock and got goose bumps.
He's smart. He's funny. He's genuinely nice. He's not fake nice like people are because it's the right thing to do or because it makes them look good. He actually cares about people and what they feel. When I'm around him, I feel like a bajillion bucks. I've wanted to tell him for a long time. I just wanted to make sure that I would have a future before I started anything with him. I made up my mind to tell him last June on the night of Mario's birthday party.
I'll never forget that night because I realized I was in love with him. I actually acknowledged it and made up my mind to do something about it. One problem:
I was dating this asshole.
Our relationship wasn't working (that's a whole separate entry in itself) and I'd made up my mind that I was done with all that and I wanted Troy. I went to break it off with Richard and it didn't end well. He guilted me into staying with him and tried to hurt himself several times. By the time I'd extricated myself from the situation, Troy had moved on and was dating someone else. I found out about "her" on the day of my belly dance competition.
This is me putting on a brave face. I'd choreographed this dance and worked my ass off to make it work and, two minutes before we were supposed to dance, I saw Troy sitting in the audience with her. She, who coincidentally looks like Gloria, the girl who got pregnant with my first love's baby and forced him to marry her, but that's another entry, too. People overdramatize a lot of things, and I'm prone to hyperbole sometimes, but I literally felt this sharp pain in my chest like someone had my heart in a vise grip.
I had to watch them again and again during the following months. Every time I saw him with her, my heart felt like it was getting stomped on over and over. Do you know how hard that was? I felt like a bad person. Troy was my friend and I wanted him to be happy, but at the same time, how could he be happy without me? The logic doesn't follow, but what can I say, I'm a girl.
I'd like to say that I stopped lusting after him, but I didn't. I'd like to say that I stopped loving him, but I didn't. I moved on as best as I could in front of my friends, but at home, in private, I cried every single day for months. I tried to date other people and it didn't work. We have mutual friends and we both are on the belly dance scene (me as a dancer and he as a drummer), so I couldn't avoid him. I'd try to smile and I'd try to be happy, but I couldn't so I would put as much distance as possible between us because it hurt my heart to be around him. I decided that I would be patient and wait.
Well, they broke up recently. I know I shouldn't revel in someone else's misfortune, but I can't deny that my poor little heart has shown the signs of actually functioning for the first time in months. Everyone told me to give it up. Everyone told me that it would never happen and they were together for the long haul. I almost did, too, but something kept me from moving on.
This picture kept me in love with him. This picture made me wait. He looked at me like I was beautiful. I was ecstatically happy because it was my birthday, I was surrounded by my friends and I was standing next to the man that I loved.
State of the Union: Hopeful
Listening to: Everybody's Changing by Keane
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Posted: 9:57 PM, Wed 17 Mar 2010 in Dating Diaries |
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Dating Diaries: Crush, Crush
I have a crush on this guy I go to school with. I probably shouldn't say anything because he probably thinks I'm nuts. Anyone that reads the things I post on Facebook will understand why he might have that impression. I don't know him all too well, but I like the things I know. He seems smart, funny, and nice. Like real nice.Genuine, I mean. You can tell he came from a loving home and that he isn't dark and twisty like myself. See my problem?
I attract psychos. We all know this. The only thing is, I don't even know if he likes me. I like him, but for the first time in ages, I can't tell how he feels about me. I know he thinks I'm silly because he's always laughing at me and making fun of me because I always manage to do or say something boneheaded in front of him. I get flustered when I talk to him and some of the most inane things pop out of my mouth. If he didn't know for a fact that I got into the same school he did, he'd probably think I'm a complete idiot.
I sent him something via email that I might end up regretting. It will be awesome if he checks the one box but DEVASTATINGLY horrible if he checks the other box. If you get rejected by someone that isn't crazy, that doesn't have multiple personality disorders, or isn't a raging 'roid head, someone normal in other words, does that mean you're doomed?
This is what I sent him:
Send up some silent prayers that he doesn't stomp all over my poor heart.
State of the Union: hyperventilating a tad
Listening to: That Girl is a Cowboy by Garth Brooks
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Posted: 7:44 PM, Wed 20 Jan 2010 in Dating Diaries |
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Dating Diaries: That Jackass
That's his new name. That Jackass. I hadn't spoken to him since December 22nd, I believe. He always managed to call when I was at work, doing something important, or when something good was on t.v. I knew I didn't really like him as much as I should. He was super enthusiastic about me and I was more like, "eh," about the whole situation. Just the thought of a certain someone that I've had a crush on since high school potentially showing up at my party had me more excited and that gave me my answer. I didn't call him or text him during Christmas and I went to a New Year's party alone and kissed a bottle of champagne rather than be with him. He's left messages and I didn't know how to respond, partially because I didn't want to talk to him and partially because I knew that, if I did respond, he would jump on the "I want to sleep with Slayer" bandwagon again.
He called and I did something cowardly, but what I learned from dating Richard. If you're going to break up with someone and they're potentially mentally unstable, don't do it in person or over the phone. In person, they can cry, plead, hit you, or try to kill themselves or you. If you do it over the phone, you feel like a dick for hanging up on them when they start crying or you lose control and start yelling back at them when they get verbally abusive and start crying. I can't deal with men crying. What did I do? I ended things via text.
Normally, I wouldn't do it. Marlena got broken up with via text and she was devastated. I did it over text because he's overly emotional and I couldn't deal with that. I sent him an honest text and told him he was too aggressive for me and it wasn't going to work out. Then he texts me back and tells me that he's been calling to tell me he found someone else on New Years. Uh...did you forget that you've been leaving me messages and texts about how much you miss me and can't wait to see me? Whatevs. I don't even care, but, because I'm a bitch and I have to get the last word in, I told him that it all worked out for the best and I'm glad he found someone to practice free love with. Then I told him I'd met someone else and I'd love for him to meet her because she is awesome. Why am I bitch? He confided in me that his last three girlfriends left him for another chick and now he thinks I have, too.
It was evil and petty, but he told me this story before about how, whenever he likes a girl and her friend tries to cock block, he will deliberately hurt the cock blocker's feelings and make her feel like shit. He will say, "Are you mad because your friend looks better than you?" or "Are you mad because your friend isn't fat like you?" or some put down that will make her cry. When he told me that the last night we hung out, casually in conversation like he was discussing the weather, I knew he was a dick and I'd never be able to date a someone like that. I wanted him to see what it felt like to be emotionally kicked in the nuts. Plus, I feel like I have carpal tunnel in my dominant hand and it's all his fault. You're not stupid. You know why.
Thank the Lord in Heaven I didn't sleep with that jackass.
State of the Union: Not amused, not annoyed
Listening to: Whatever You Like by Anya Marina |
Posted: 12:12 AM, Wed 6 Jan 2010 in Dating Diaries |
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Dating Diaries: Squishy Feelings Alert
I got yelled at because I haven't been blogging lately. I have all kinds of things to talk about and I keep meaning to do it, but I guess my heart isn't in it anymore. I don't even keep up with everyone's blogs as fanatically as I used to. I guess that, since the old EFX went away/imploded on itself, I just haven't been as keen to blog as before.
I've been dating this guy. I would tell you his name is Francesco, seeing as that's what he told me his name was, but it's not. His name is Ran, short for Ranesh or however you spell it. We're not together officially, but we're about to not be together in any sense of the word. I keep hearing warning bells and I don't know why. Maybe because he lied about his name. Well, I met him on the street as we were club hopping to celebrate finals being over and I was all kinds of drunk and I made out with him. Yes. Me. On the street. Drunk as a skunk. Made out with some dude with an Italian accent. Well, the accent explains the "why" part to the making out.
He's pushy. I used to think it was cute (probably because of the accent), but I am sooo over it now. He doesn't listen to me. I know I sound like a girl saying that, but in this case, it's true. When someone is sick and tells you they're sick and they just want to go to sleep, why would you show up at their door? When they tell you they want to kick it with friends, why would you blow up their phone every hour on the hour until they call you back? When they tell you they want to chill with their family and relax, why would you blow up their phone trying to get them to go to a club?
Part of the problem is that my infatuation with his accent has worn off and I can see that I don't like him like that. He is smart, he has a kooky sense of humor, he likes to travel, and he isn't keen to make babies. He sounds like a viable candidate, but the alarm bells are going off. The same ones I had with Richard. I try not to hold any man accountable for the actions/mistakes of another man, but I am getting the heebie-jeebies about him that I got with Richard.
Is it a break up if you aren't really together? I'm annoyed. Perturbed. Disgruntled. Pick your S.A.T. word. I just need to figure out a way to get him to back off without him stalking me and he soooo has stalker tendencies. Plus, he keeps trying to get me to sleep with him. It's very off-putting. I'm not suggesting that he play hard to get or anything, but I don't want you putting my hand on your errection and telling me that I did that, either.
Jeez.
State of the Union: Frocking annoyed
Listening to: Meet Me Halfway by the Black Eyed Peas |
Posted: 7:35 PM, Wed 30 Dec 2009 in Dating Diaries |
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Dating Diaries: Trash Deserves Trash...What? Too Harsh?
When my relationships go belly up, I generally don't blog about why they went bad. Well, except in the case of Naughty Nanny Dude because that was way too bizarre and too funny *not* to blog about it. I said that I wouldn't post the reasons in an open forum and I haven't. It does astound me that, for someone that claims to love me so deeply, and do anything for me to keep me happy, for someone who said that, if my cancer came back, would take care of me, he broke the world's speed record for rebounding with his ex.
Thanks to the keen eye of my friend Jen, who wanted to ensure that I don't go back to "Retard Richard" as she calls him, she did a little recon and came up with a timeline that even I can't ignore. She is nosy to a fault and went smooth up on his My Space page and started looking at his pictures. She came up with this:
Yes, she looks like a total hood rat.This is his ex-booty call, his words, not mine, that he says used to come over and try to hook up with him when we were together and yes, according to him, she was a stripper. Where? I have no idea, but I hear the Landing Strip will hire anyone, so hey. Whatevs. I don't spend too much time looking at his pictures or his page because, makes me sound bad as a girlfriend, I didn't particularly care and there were so many grammatical mistakes and punctuation errors that it made my head hurt. Well, Jen noticed that, after I went and got my car and assorted items of mine that he had in his possession, he added this one:
They were obviously taken on the same day at the same party so why the subterfuge in not putting it up until after he was sure that I wasn't coming back if he didn't do anything with her. I don't understand why he tried to hide it in the first place. Even when we were together, I didn't care that he was still friends with her. I really didn't. That, in itself, should have told me what I really though about our relationship because I am not only the baddest bitch, I have to be the *only* bitch.
I know he can't be by himself. He is one of those people that *has* to have someone physically there or else he will go insane and I know that he's a big ol' horndog that needs sex constantly, so I know he hooked up with her. I'm a big ol' horndog, too, so the fact that I was coming up with excuses to not sleep with him should have been a red flag in itself. Sleuthy Jen, as I now call her, checked his updates and figured out, by his status and mood page, that he hooked up with her less than a week after we broke up. I hadn't even gone to pick up my stuff yet and, that same night, after he slept with her, he texted me telling me that he missed me. Uh....okay?
I hadn't deleted him from my My Space page even though multiple people told me I should. His little sister is on my page as well and I'd have to delete her as well and *she* never did anything to me. I don't look at his page and I assumed he didn't look at mine until he started sending me messages. What ticked me off and prompted this entry? He commented on the fact that I had gone to Schlitterbahn and said that, if I ever wanted to go again, to let him know because he had the hook up. Wanna know who is hook up is? His fricking hook up! Yes, that skanky stripper. I think she works there or knows someone that does. How do I know? Sleuthy Jen pointed out the update that said he had an unexpected trip to Schlitterbahn. Oh, and this:
Skank wearing bikini? Check. Hand positioned like she was stroking his hair? Check. Me vomiting in my mouth that I would ever date a jackass that would actually try and run game on the girl that *invented* the game? Check. For the record, the part that has me steamed isn't that he's hooking up with her. He can do whatever he likes with whomever he likes. It's *MY* observation skills that has me wanting to choke the living shit out of his ass. I noticed something that Jen couldn't pick up on because she didn't know what she was looking at. The part that has me just BRASSED OFF is the fact that see that iTrip sitting on her lap? That's mine. That's mine, too. The part that has me absolutely fucking LIVID? See that jacked up tint on the passenger side window at the top and the smudge stain in the middle? He caused that stain when he put his greasy, gelled up hair against the window one day when I was driving him to his parent's house. Yes, people, that's MY FUCKING CAR! He rode that bitch around in MY FUCKING CAR!
I'm so pissed off, my hands are shaking. He was a loser. I didn't figure it out at first because he hid his craziness well. I will never, ever, EVER forgive or forget this. I want to go OLD TESTAMENT on his ass. I want to run into him and mess him up, all the while wearing that shirt shirt You know. The one that Lindsey Lohan wore on TRL after she and Wilmer Whatshisname broke up:
You had best believe there will be retribution. I will go Old Testament, Vengeance-is-Mine-Thus-Saith-the-Lord on him.
State of the Union: Over loser men
Listening to: Irreplaceable by Beyonce and, believe me, the irony of the lyrics about the dude riding his jumpoff around in a car that Beyonce bought isn't lost on me, trust. |
Posted: 7:41 PM, Fri 4 Sep 2009 in Dating Diaries |
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Dating Diaries: Yet Again
Yet again, I find myself on the illusive search for love. I don't want to sling mud at him because, for all his faults, he wasn't a completely horrid person. Let's just say he wasn't for me. For many reasons. Not just because I'm being picky. There were valid reasons, not like the time I broke up with that dude that brayed like a donkey when he laughed. Or the guy with the "too moist" lips. Or the guy with the guyliner (In my defense, any dude that wears more makeup than me is definitely suspect.)
There were seriously valid reasons that I am a tad bit ashamed to write about. I counsel my friends all the time about being in destructive relationships, and yet, I stayed in one for six months. When I finally realized I was being hypocritical, and that I was unhappy to boot, I put the kibosh on it. To which he responded, according to a reliable source, by hooking up with his stripper ex (do I call her an ex when all she ever did was use him as a booty call ?) not even a week after we were broken up. So much for being in love with me, eh?
Anyhoo, I refuse to become one of those bitter people that bashes men every time a relationship goes horribly awry. I just look at this as an opportunity for growth and reflection. Besides, football season is upon us and, if you know nothing else about me, you will see that Slayer is never alone for long at a tailgate.
Ta for now!
State of the Union: Surprisingly upbeat
Listening to: Everybody's Changing by Keane. |
Posted: 12:26 PM, Thu 20 Aug 2009 in Dating Diaries |
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Dating Diaries: Right on Schedule
He really is. Right on schedule, I mean. I dated this guy off and on for almost six years. He knows me inside and out. He has the uncanny knack for calling me a) when I'm sad and I *need* someone to talk to or b) when I'm happy. It's like he has a this alarm that goes off when I'm happy that says, "Oh, she's happy. Time to go f--k this up."
He is my kryptonite. He is my Achilles heel. He comes along and he's cute and happy and playful. I forget all the bad things, remember the good, obliterate whatever relationship I'm in, things are great for a while and then he's off again. He blows in and out of my life like a malevolent wind of good looks, nice clothes, and sexy cologne.
I told him about Richard. He wasn't mad. He wasn't snarky like he normally is. He was cool, probably because, if I follow the pattern I always do, our relationship is going to go belly up and all he has to do is sit back and wait for it to happen.He's always been that monkey on my back, that crack habit I couldn't quite kick. I told him about Richard. Normally, I wouldn't put a name to it. I would just say my boyfriend, or my dude. I think I freaked him out by giving him a name.
I think I'm moving in a different direction. I told him I finally realized it's never going to happen and just let go. We're friends. We've always been friends. We'll always be friends. I'm the best friend he never knew he had. I know everything about him. I know what makes him tick. I'll miss him in a lot of ways, but in others, I'll be glad he's gone. Maybe I'm growing up after all. Maybe there is life after Rolando Ramon.
State of the Union: Mellow
Listening to: The Climb by Miley Cyrus on Pandora |
Posted: 12:05 AM, Wed 3 Jun 2009 in Dating Diaries |
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Dating Diaries: Him
He occupies a lot of my free time. I can't blame him, though, for my lack of discipline this semester. It's a lot of things. I have no focus. It's just gone. My study schedule went up in a flame of dust this semester. I haven't been hanging out with my cronies as much as I used to. I haven't been on My Space or Facebook that much. I haven't gone dancing in forever. I don't blog nearly as much anymore. I'm doing homework. I'm at his house. I'm watching t.v. while thinking about all the homework I should be doing. I also realized, now that I don't go out that much anymore, that I used to spend a goodly portion of time knocking back drinks with my friends in bars and pubs. Not getting sloshed, mind you, just chilling.
I spend the majority of my time at his house sleeping. He's normally watching a movie (which we all know I don't have the attention span for when it's dark and cold) or he's playing video games. I'm reading, doing homework, or sleeping, but mostly sleeping. He has a very comfortable bed and he's my life size "boy pillow." It's kind of nice being constantly adored. It makes me a little nervous sometimes, though, but I guess that's just typical. You wish and wish for something and then you get it and you still can't be happy. I need lessons in being happy.
Anyway, here are some pictures of Princess Dynamite and her Cutey Consort.
This is us at the start of our first road trip.
This is the first, and probably last, documented evidence of me doing PDA with anyone.
This is one of my favorite pictures. He was hot, so he stripped down to his undershirt. That's the difference between men and women. Women will suffer for fashion.
This was taken the day after he told me he loved me for the first time. That's when I really started panicking in my mind. Crazy shit always ensues after men tell me that. If I wouldn't look so conspicuous, I would start sleeping with a bat. I keep having dreams that he will freak out and go crazy like Jack Nicholson in the Shining.....
State of the Union: Perturbed, but surprisingly upbeat
Listening to: Chasing Pavements by Adele
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Posted: 7:40 PM, Tue 19 May 2009 in Dating Diaries |
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Dating Diaries: Nirvana?
You ever wish and wish to get something and then, when you do, you don't know what to do with it? I've been dating this boy for a while now. He is a departure from the guys that I normally date. He's not a butthole, for one thing. He's kind and considerate and he's always making me laugh. He's not tall, dark, and handsome. He doesn't look like an Abercrombie model. He's not a cowboy. He doesn't drive a Mercedes or a diesel truck. I picked a Mexican that doesn't speak Spanish, that doesn't particularly care for Mexican food, listens to Hip Hop, and wears clothes from South Pole.
Said boy goes to eat Mexican food only because I love it, calls and texts when he says he will, and is willing to wear a button down and grow some scruff on his chin just because I like it. He curtails his nasty little smoking habit because I'm allergic. He doesn't ask anything of me, he doesn't expect me to be anyone but me, and he actually likes spending time with me. He's seen me be bitchtastic and he still stuck around. He even got nervous when he met my Mama and Daddy on Easter.
Why am I so nervous? I keep waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. I keep waiting for him to turn into some kind of monster that beats women, kicks puppies, and steals from little old ladies. I keep waiting to find out that he's messing around with three other girls, that he's living under an assumed name since he's wanted for murder, or that he's a crazy, pervy stalker that's going to hop put of the trees with a knife on me. I keep waiting for him to turn into Ike Turner. Yes, I am *that* jaded.
He's sensitive, he actually listens to what I say, he wants to go everywhere with me, he pulls over and asks for directions when he's lost, and he is willing to do anything that makes me happy, even if he doesn't like it. He's even willing to go to Rodeo with me, knowing that he doesn't like the music or particularly care for the people that go there (See said video a couple of entries down and you will realize that he is soooo not the typical Rodeo man). He has me listening to Hippety Hop. He has me playing Guitar Hero. He has me going outdoors voluntarily.
What does that say about me that I can't fully enjoy the time that we spend together because I am constantly on the lookout for him to morph into an uncaring, unfeeling, selfish, meat-headed bastard? What does that say about me that I keep looking for hidden faults, for some kind of chink in his oh-so-perfect sensitive boyfriend armor? He's the boyfriend I dreamed about and I can't even accept it at face value. It would be one thing if he actually did something to merit this suspended disbelief that I possess, but he's done nothing and that makes my neuroticism all the more baffling and pronounced.
It is a sad, sad day when you realize that you've denigrated yourself so much and put up with so much bullshit that you honestly don't remember how to be in a happy, functioning relationship anymore.
State of the Union: Little sad
Listening to: Everybody Knows by John Legend
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Posted: 10:35 PM, Wed 22 Apr 2009 in Dating Diaries |
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Dating Diaries: Huh?
I don't know if it's official yet, but I keep hearing that woman from the trailers for "He's Just Not That Into You,' saying, "Get yourself some ribs and some ice cream...because you have been dumped."
I'll keep you posted.
State of the Union: Hungry
Listening to: It's Friday, I'm in Love by the Cure |
Posted: 12:15 AM, Tue 13 Jan 2009 in Dating Diaries |
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Dating Diaries: WTF?!?!?
Okay, WTF is really going on? Less than a week ago, I put up a picture of Jonathan and myself. I actually put it out there, for the world to see, that I actually like a boy, and I've liked him for a while now. But, the most messed up thing has been happening. The rejects are trying to make a comeback. I have gotten phone calls, texts, and emails from just about every dude I've dated this year.
What's up with that? Why do boys do that? It's like they have a pager that goes off with,"Ohhh, Slayer is happy. Gotta go f--k this up real quick." I've gotten dinner invites, invitations to shows, drink invitations, offers of massages (the only one I was actually tempted with. What? My shoulders are hella tight right now). You name it; I got invited to it.
Why now? Why call now? Are they sad because it's Christmastime and they have no one to be with? Is it because they need a date for New Years? Whatever it is, It sucks. They weren't attentive when we were dating. They never called on a regular basis. They texted sporadically. They emailed at odd times and IMed me only to harass me. The communication exchange was *nothing* like they've been doing these past few days. Lisa and I have been having some good laughs over this. It kinda sucks that all these rejects are blowing me up and the one that I actually *want* to talk to is super busy.
Life just isn't fair.
State of the Union: Amused
Listening to: Just Dance by Lady GaGa |
Posted: 10:22 PM, Mon 15 Dec 2008 in Dating Diaries |
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Dating Diaries: Silent Night
I am a good trophy girlfriend. All girlfriends should be like me. Yeah, right. Anyway, I hadn't seen my boy in like five days. It's not a long time, but it feels like dog years when you hate school, you're sick of work, and you just want someone to cuddle with that doesn't work your last nerve and make you want to stab them in the eye with a spork. Said boy has not came over for dinner yet (Birdy, please vouch for my cooking. You haven't died from it), but I'm okay with it. My school and work schedule required good hurdling abilities.
He went out to do "guy stuff" yesterday and I think his boy radar went off that little ol' Slayer was feeling like she should buy a ticket to the Island of Misfit Girlfriends because I was feeling a tad bit forgotten (Not much, just a smidge) So you can imagine how my spirits lifted when I got invited to Nerd Movie Night with Jonathan and his roommate. He went and ordered us Veal Marsala and we all watched The Dark Knight (Yes, I finally gave into the peer pressure and watched it. I liked all the things blowing up, but there needs to be more fight scenes like in James Bond. We all know I love it when boys get physical).
My poor honey had to wake up at the buttcrack of dawn to be in Temple tomorrow, so we called it an early night. I was walking to my car when it happened: it started snowing!
Not real Minnesota snow that you need snow tires and a plow for, but Texas snow. I called him out and we watched it together and I got the smoochies I so desperately craved (I *was* kiss deprived). Yes, we were totally gay and kissed in the snow. Whatevs. It made me happy, so shut it. We're supposed to hang out together this weekend. He warmed my dark and twisty heart when he said that he would come to my belly dance recital. In all the years I've been dancing, the only people that ever came were Cathy and Gianni. Even if he doesn't show up, just the fact that he even wanted to, well, he gets a really good dessert now.
I'm pretty content right now. Don't think I'm going soft and losing my edge; I'm still the same bitchface I've always been, but I will admit, he does make me go gooey in the knees at times and I catch myself being nicer to people. I must cut that out. He's cool and he makes me happy, especially when he agreed to take a picture with me just because I told him that my bloggy people want to see what he looks like.......
State of the Union: Blissfully sleepy
Listening to: Mouth by Bush |
Posted: 12:32 AM, Wed 10 Dec 2008 in Dating Diaries |
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Dating Diaries: I Choose
I had a choice to make. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I thought about what I wanted out of life. I thought about my goals, my wants, my desires, my plans. I thought about who makes me laugh, who wanders in and out of my mind at random times. I thought about who pops into my daydreams sometimes. Then I thought about my plans for the coming year that I can actually make now and I thought about who I would want standing beside me as I trekked the world.
I think I knew, from the first time he came up behind me as I was texting and asked me if I was waiting for someone, that he was the boy for me. You ever feel that spark of electricity that you get when you meet someone you're really, really attracted to? Ever feel your breath hitch a little bit in your throat? Now imagine those two things happening simultaneously, and you'll begin to feel how I feel every single time I see him.
I thought I would be waging an internal war with myself, and I'd have to have this big, long, drawn out debate. None of that happened. I just asked myself, honestly, if I would be okay if this person walked out of my life. The answer was no.
I guess that was all the answer I needed.
State of the Union: Relieved
Listening to: Wonderful Surprise by Shawn Hlookoff |
Posted: 11:31 PM, Sat 22 Nov 2008 in Dating Diaries |
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Dating Diaries: Manhood Snatcher
I know that I have been remiss in the blogging department. How do I know, you ask? Because Meg called me from California to tell me that I haven’t been blogging lately. I laughed until I cried later because she was bill collecting for blogs. Seeing as I am a bill collector in real life, this scenario has provided multiple giggle sessions for me. Well, she was very effective, obviously, because here I am, blogging.
I’m about to hit a touchy subject. I have been told, on numerous occasions, that I do not have a woman’s mentality. I think like a dude. I’m decisive. Blunt. I cut through the gristle and get straight to the meat. So, now I have to put this question to women that actually think like women. Ladies, when you’re having sex with a man and he doesn’t "ring your bell," do you tell him? Or do you keep that little tidbit to yourself? And men, when a woman doesn’t "arrive," do you want her to be honest about it, or do you want her to fake it like she’s up for an Academy Award?
THIS IS ABOUT TO VERGE INTO A QUASI TMI SECTION. IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW, STOP READING AND JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION THAT I POSED ABOVE!!!!!!!!!!
I was dating this guy and he was a potential. He had his personal life together, good career, smart, funny, looked like one of those hottie boys in the Urban Outfitters catalogues. He even had a sleeve. (Yes, I am still shivering about that because tattoos are hot, I don’t care what anyone says) He finally managed to woo his way into my affections and my bed and I, apparently, delivered a TKO. He couldn’t get me off. None of his tried, true, and trusted methods worked. It’s like I handed him his gilded balls on a silver platter after laughing at the size of them in his face. I’m not exaggerating. I am quoting, word for word, what he said. And no, I didn't laugh. I was not in a felicitous mood at that point, trust me. He had asked me if I came, and I was honest and said no, not even close.
Then, to make matters worse, I think I broke him. No, I didn’t sit on his chest and crack his ribs or anything. He came so hard that his balls started to hurt. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I would like to pat myself on the back for a job well done, but he looked so forlorn. He’s apparently this big ladies man up in Belton and known for making a girl cum in less than three minutes with his oral techniques and less than ten in bed with his “patented stroke techniques” and I? I was like, “Okay. Is that it?” I didn’t say it aloud. I was just thinking it. I was bored, so I took over, and that’s when I blew his gaskets.
He left with his nuts mildly throbbing and he said they did that for another day or so. A couple of text messages and one awkward phone call and I haven’t heard from him since. This happened a while ago, but I haven’t put it up until now because I don’t know, I guess I was embarrassed. I’ve grown up all my life with my dad telling people to stop busting his balls and I always thought it was a metaphor. I didn’t know it could really happen…….
State of the Union: Embarrassed
Listening to: Slingshots by Morley
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Posted: 11:41 AM, Sat 25 Oct 2008 in Dating Diaries |
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Dating Diaries: Dammmmmmit
I have a rule that I can't delete a blog entry after I put it up. I wish I could because I totally would. Let's just say that the minute I say something nice about someone, they start acting like a butthole. Especially if they're male.
One good thing came out of this. More on that when I finally finish my Rosh Hashanah post.
State of the Union: Disappointed
Listening to: Harder to Breathe by Maroon 5 |
Posted: 11:46 PM, Wed 1 Oct 2008 in Dating Diaries |
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Dating Diaries: Apocalypse Now
Hell has frozen over. The world is coming to an end. I met a boy. A *normal* boy (I can hear all of you audibly gasping and then saying, "Ooooh." I really can). He's genuinely nice. Like "I'm a nice person" nice and not "I'm only pretending to be nice so that you'll be lulled into a sense of security and then you'll let down your guard and give me some booty" nice. He has home training (That's manners, people).
He calls when he says he will. He texts for no reason. He's just cool. He took me on out on Monday night and got me home at a respectable hour because he remembered that I had a Trig test the next day. He was respectful. He's smart. He deals with his responsibilities and doesn't have his head firmly ensconced up his ass. He was really funny and he doesn't like the Cowboys. Plus, he actually read my blog. I have friends that I have know for *years* that haven't read my blog. He actually warmed my cold, dark, twisty little heart.
He's fun. He's considerate. He's smart. He's normal. As I told Meg, I will promptly mess this up in a week or less.......
State of the Union: Slightly Optimistic
Listening to: David Letterman ripping into John McCain on You Tube.
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Posted: 5:20 PM, Thu 25 Sep 2008 in Dating Diaries |
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Dating Diaries: OMFG. Where Do I Find These Fools?
The title says it all. I am normally not in the habit of posting someone's electronic correspondence, but I have to make sure that I'm not leaping to conclusions here. You read it and then tell me if you went where I went. We join this chat session already in progress.........
funwontx (5:53 PM): Did I lose you?
DeeDee (5:56 PM): No, you didn't lose me. I'm at work, so occasionally, I actually have to work. I'm very sad about this turn of events.
funwontx (5:56 PM): lol....keep it up! it will pay off.
DeeDee (5:57 PM): It's payday Friday and everyone else is headed off to happy hour and I'm stuck here. That kinda blows.
DeeDee (5:57 PM): So, I decided to shop online
funwontx (5:58 PM): what is your job
DeeDee (5:59 PM): Mistress of Fun
DeeDee (5:59 PM): Just kidding. I work in Collections for a cable company.
funwontx (5:59 PM): ahhhh..cool
funwontx (5:59 PM): breaking knee caps huh!
funwontx (5:59 PM): so everyone else is gone?
DeeDee (6:00 PM): No. Why does everyone say that?
DeeDee (6:00 PM): There are four people in my department. One went home early, one had an "emergency" and had to leave, and the other one works 8-4.
funwontx (6:01 PM): well then we should take advantage of a GOLDEN opportunity and make mad passionate love on your desk what a RUSH that would be
DeeDee (6:03 PM): You are a freaky, freaky man.
funwontx (6:03 PM): only in the most wonderful of ways
DeeDee (6:04 PM): There are people coming in and out of here all the time, so that wouldn't work, plus, I don't know you all that well. You could be some psycho perv.
funwontx (6:04 PM): or i could be an amazing man who knows how to take you to the next level
DeeDee (6:05 PM): Yeah, well, I'm not one of those girls that practice free love with people they don't know. Call me old fashioned
funwontx (6:06 PM): i didnt ask for free love. Our previous conversation had a sexual content to it. Don't get all prude on me now
DeeDee (6:09 PM): I know you didn't ask me for it. There was a mild sexual innuendo in there and I'm not a prude, but I'm not cheap, either.
DeeDee (6:09 PM): The sex will come. Just not the first time I go on a real date with you
funwontx (6:09 PM): and besides, all i was doing was offering a "lifetime" moment....appreciate it, even if you are not brave enough to explore it
funwontx (6:09 PM): cheap? i wouldnt be talking to you if i thought you were cheap
DeeDee (6:09 PM): I work from 11-8. There are plenty of "lifetime" moments as my department empties out at about seven.
funwontx (6:10 PM): why silly rules about when sex will come? if we like each other, there should be no artificial barriers one way or the other.
funwontx (6:11 PM): no lifetime moments like the one i was offering
DeeDee (6:11 PM): I just know me. I talk about girls that do things like that, so I can't very well be a hypocrite and do the same thing. '
DeeDee (6:11 PM): Besides, I don't want to be one of those girls that leads a dude on or gives him the wrong idea.
funwontx (6:13 PM): then you might not want to be sexual in your phone conversations if you are scared of sex in real life. right???
funwontx (6:14 PM): artificial barriers to living life and being real seem very high schoolish to me. not to say we should have sex, but if we feel like it, then no silly rule should keep us from it. does that make any sense?
DeeDee (6:15 PM): I get where you're coming from, but it's not a rule. It's who I am. I have to be able to respect myself and I wouldn't be able to do that if I hit skins with you on the first date. Besides, I told you a silly joke I heard in class. I wasn't referring to sex between the two of us.
DeeDee (6:15 PM): I'm not scared to have sex. I think it's a beautiful thing, but if I wanted to randomly hook up with a guy, then I would go to Vicci or put up an ad in Casual Encounters on Craig's List or something.
funwontx (6:16 PM): so you view sex as disrespectful? where on earth did you come up with that? sex is not a negative act, why turn it into a negative?
funwontx (6:17 PM): i wasnt talking about a random hookup. you aren't understanding a thing i am saying are you?
DeeDee (6:19 PM): I'm not saying it's negative. I'm not saying it's disrespectful. I am just saying that it won't happen for me the first time I meet someone.
funwontx (6:19 PM): you seem to have some pretty thick mental walls when it comes to sexuality. not uncommon, but very sad for you and your life. you will outgrow them hopefully as you mature and gain wisdom.
DeeDee (6:20 PM): You're making snap judgments when you don't even know me. Please don't patronize me and act like you're sooo much older and soooo much more experienced than I am.
funwontx (6:20 PM): if you EVER bar amazing things from happening to you or your life for ANY reason, then you should re-examine your life. it should be a wake up call for you.
funwontx (6:20 PM): not at all
funwontx (6:20 PM): i am merely going on what you are telling me
funwontx (6:21 PM): you are making artificial barriers where none exist. pretty obvious to a smart person
DeeDee (6:25 PM): I'm not making artificial barriers to anything. I know who I am. I know what I will and will not do. I could play the coquette like some women and be a tease, but at least I'm honest. I don't play games. My body is worth something to me and I won't just give it away. I need time to make sure that I'm sleeping with someone because I genuinely like them or because my hormones are getting the better of me.
funwontx (6:25 PM): so having sex is somehow "giving your body away"????? what a NEGATIVE way to view something so amazing.
funwontx (6:26 PM): so "hormone" sex is bad?
DeeDee (6:29 PM): Hormone sex is bad for me because I want to make that decision with an unclouded mind. I like to be in sync mentally and physically. I refuse to be ruled by raging sexual energy.
funwontx (6:29 PM): you and i are never going to see eye to eye. i view sex as wonderful, natural, normal, amazing, and fantastic.....not a SINGLE negative thing about it. you seem very pessimistic and negative about it.......a bastardization of what it is all about. very sad and disappointing. i fully understand where it comes from, but was hoping that you had enough introspection and self-actualization to overcome the negativity. seems as though you probably don't.
funwontx (6:30 PM): so hormones "cloud the mind"??? omg. what a warped and negative way to view life.
DeeDee (6:31 PM): Any person with self actualization would realize that I'm making a mature choice.
funwontx (6:33 PM): lol......i would say that artificial barriers are in fact very immature. they are nothing but defense mechanisms.
DeeDee (6:35 PM): I'm not being defensive. I recognize what you're saying. I had to take the same prerequisite psych class, too. Your dime store, intro to psych liturgy will not work on me. Besides, I'm Jewish. I know all the ins and outs of manipulating people using shame and guilt. My nana and father have been doing it to me for years. I just have a strong sense of self.
funwontx (6:35 PM): i'm sure you are a cool person, but we'd need to be compatible on the mind, body, and soul level.....and i can see that we are just on totally different levels sexually. i dont have any mental hang-ups at all about sexuality. we are probably not a fit....even though you are very attractive and seem intelligent (in all ways but sexually! lol )
funwontx (6:36 PM): i wasnt saying you were defensive. you misunderstood.
funwontx (6:36 PM): so people with a "strong sense of self" somehow dont like sex? that is pretty far out there! LOL
DeeDee (6:36 PM): I don't have a mental hang up towards sex. I just don't want to be pressured into it. I'm not talking about other people. I'm talking about me.
funwontx (6:37 PM): we never said anything about being pressured. where on earth did that come from?
funwontx (6:37 PM): sounds VERY negative
DeeDee (6:37 PM): If you say that I sound negative one more time, I swear I will scream. I know when someone is trying to use psych babble to try and confuse me and make me doubt my beliefs and decisions. I'm not being negative. I'm make a rational, mature decision to not jump into bed with the first hot guy that asks me.
funwontx (6:38 PM): just being honest with you girl. i will always be honest with you in all things. i respect you enough for that.
DeeDee (6:47 PM): If you respected me, you would respect my decision and quit trying to force the issue. You and I will never have a marriage of the minds on this particular issue. I can be the freakiest girl that you will ever meet in your life....once I feel comfortable with you. A coffee date or dinner is not enough time for me to feel comfortable enough to share my goodies with anyone. I don't care if you're Brad Pitt; I'm not having sex with you on the first date. I don't care what other people do or how other people feel. They are entitled to their own opinions and can own up to their own behavior. I can only speak for me.
funwontx (6:48 PM): lol......fair enough.
DeeDee (6:49 PM): Of course it's fair. I said it, didn't I?
funwontx (6:50 PM): lol
DeeDee (6:51 PM): In case you haven't noticed, I have a smart mouth. The effect of education, as Jane Austen would say.
funwontx (6:52 PM): you are a woman of contradictions
DeeDee (6:52 PM): I am a font of contradictions.
funwontx (6:52 PM): yup
DeeDee (6:53 PM): It's probably all the conflict in my life. I was raised Christian and Jewish. I'm black and greek.
funwontx (6:54 PM): alas.....just scared of sex
DeeDee (6:54 PM): I know you are deliberately goading me.
DeeDee (6:55 PM): The only thing I am afraid, besides an STD that can't be cured with penicillin, is bad sex and men with small penises.
funwontx (6:55 PM): damn honesty again
funwontx (6:55 PM): well i bring neither of those to the table
DeeDee (6:55 PM): Well, then you have nothing to worry about when I finally decide to break you off some, huh?
funwontx (6:56 PM): i have to get going. we could meet tonight if you wish. text me....512.350.XXXX (I bleeped out his number)
funwontx (6:57 PM): .....and i promise to pull out ! LOL
DeeDee (6:57 PM): You keep acting like an overbearing jerk and you'll never get the chance, butthole!!!!!!!!!!
funwontx (6:57 PM): hehe
DeeDee (6:57 PM): bye
funwontx (6:57 PM): you mad?
DeeDee (6:58 PM): No. To get mad, I would have to care.
funwontx (6:58 PM): ok now worries
DeeDee (6:58 PM): peace out
Okay, now that you've read that sad exchange, was I overreacting? Was he not twisting my words to suit his own nefarious and lecherous plans?
State of the Union: Steamed
Listening to: Harder to Breathe by Maroon 5
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Posted: 7:36 PM, Mon 22 Sep 2008 in Dating Diaries |
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Dating Diaries: Update
I'm going to pull a Maury Povich and update you on the progress of all the guys that have appeared in my Dating Diaries section.
Patrick: I went to Crü with him and ended up making German Chocolate brownies when I went home all snockered, remember? Well, this whole thing petered out. I'm still his friend on My Space, but probably because he has so many that he forgot about me. I don't think I would be on his page anymore if he knew that I phased him out because he was a premature ejaculator.
Kade: A.K.A Naughty Nanny Boy. I don't hear from him anymore. He kept emailing me for a while, but when I threatened to expose his antics to his wife unless he stopped harassing me.
Chris: The little 23 year old in a band that kept saying he had tremendous sexual prowess because he was a Scorpio. I don't talk to him anymore. I refused to be his groupie. I don't get down with guys that do drugs (and I'm not talking about a little Mary Jane, either). He couldn't dance and he couldn't kiss and, if you can't do those two things, the sex won't get any better. Abort! Abort!
Karthic: A.K.A. the Indian guy. He wanted to have sex with me. That was his goal, his purpose for existence. He wanted to sleep with a black girl. He asked me every seven minutes when we were on the phone. He almost jumped me in his car in broad day. He told me some cockamamie story about how he travels a lot with his job and he might have to go out of town at anytime so he has to make the most of the time that we have. I said no again. Then *conveniently* tells me three days later that they're sending him to Japan and he wants to come over. (It was like 12:30 a.m.) I told him no and haven't heard from him since.
Eric: The grad student with tats. I see him from time to time. He still looks good on paper. He's kinda nerdy hot in person. I could have actually developed some type of feelings for him at some point, but then he made a comment that changed how I looked at him and that kind of turned me off of him, but that's a tale for another day.
Steven: 22 year old that just got his Math degree and is going to become a teacher. I still text him and talk to him, but we haven't gone on an official "date" date yet. I think there was also a drunken makeout session. It sucks when both parties are wasted and can't remember what the heck happened. He's still up in the air.
Then there's Barrett, who I went out for drinks with yesterday. He wants a friend with benefits. He actually asked me how to ask a girl to be that for him and not get slapped. (Good luck with that. Let me know how it works out for you) He says that girls start out okay with it and then they want more. I told him it's an occupational hazard of being female. We can't just have sex with someone and not feel something for that person at some point and any woman that says that she can has been screwed over by men to the point where she's done (a small percentage) or are lying to themselves (larger percentage).
This whole dating jaunt has let me know that I don't think I'm good at picking men. They ALL look great on paper, but are missing that vital something that I need. I also got introspective-y and realized that I'm not setting my standards too high (because Lord knows I have lowered them time and time again). They just aren't for me. There's nothing wrong with them. They're just wrong for me.
Someday, my prince will come. I just hope I won't be on a walker by the time he gets here.
State of the Union: Concerned
Listening to: Superstar by Lupe Fiasco
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Posted: 3:03 PM, Mon 15 Sep 2008 in Dating Diaries |
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Dating Diaries: Man, It's Been a While
I guess it's update time on the whole dating thing for the past two weeks. Dud. Dud. Dud. One was a mama's boy. One was in a raging custody battle with his baby's mama, and one asked me to be the mother of his child. W. T. F.!?!?!?! He got the boot with a quickness. I am not producing any babies anytime soon, that's for sure.
I've been hanging out with this guy, Eric. I told him I blog. I told him he would end up on here at some point and he didn't object. (Probably because he hasn't read my blog yet!) I told him that he would be discussed and dissected unmercifully and that, if he did me wrong, there would be a posse from multiple continents coming after him. (I think he thought I was kidding). He doesn't think I'm fat (Did I mention that I absolutely ADORE him right about now) and he can carry on an intellectual conversation.
He's a grad student, teaches at a big wig university, travels, is smart as a whip, tall, has tats and, wonder of all wonder, he has more books than me!!!!!! (Do you hear the Heavens singing?) I'm not delusional. I know we aren't going to ride off into the sunset together or anything remotely dramatic like that. I know I'm just some chick to him and it's probably never going to amount to anything, but I am beyond tickled that, when I wasn't looking, I have finally met my description of the perfect man. A smart, tall, hot, well read, tatted guy that has more books than me (and not just for school, either).
I will promptly fuck this up in a week or less......
State of the Union: Tickled
Listening to: How I Could Just Kill a Man by Charlotte Sometimes |
Posted: 6:38 PM, Mon 16 Jun 2008 in Dating Diaries |
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